4 signs of emotional abuse - Viann Nguyen-Feng
Emotional abuse can be
incredibly damaging,
increasing a person’s chances
of developing depression and anxiety
sometimes for decades after the fact.
Broadly speaking, emotional abuse involves
one person controlling another
by undermining their sense of self-worth
and personal agency.
But emotionally abusive behaviors can be
subtle and difficult to spot,
both from within
and outside the abusive relationship.
That’s partly because emotional abuse
often exploits
or creates power imbalances
between individuals,
especially in relationships
where safety, care, and trust
are supposed to be guaranteed,
like the relationship between
a caregiver and a child,
healthcare provider and patient,
teacher and student, or intimate partners.
It’s especially insidious because
it often makes people doubt
their perceptions
of their own mistreatment.
So let’s walk through some of the most
common signs of emotional abuse,
to make these behaviors and patterns
easier to spot in real life.
First, the content of someone’s words:
criticism that’s out of proportion
to a situation,
excessively harsh or personal,
or makes sweeping generalizations
or baseless negative predictions
for the future
is a warning sign of emotional abuse.
Statements like, “You always make
such stupid decisions,”
“You never do anything right,”
and “Nobody else will ever love you,”
aren’t constructive;
they’re never warranted,
and someone’s use of them is a red flag.
Second, tone and non-verbal cues:
yelling, ignoring and showing contempt
through body language are all ways
to degrade someone.
Dismissive behaviors like eye rolling,
glaring, or refusal to make eye contact,
along with refusing to speak to someone
or acknowledge their presence—
sometimes called “the silent treatment”—
can all feature in patterns
of emotional abuse.
These behaviors can painfully transform
the meaning of spoken statements
that might otherwise seem benign.
Third, how someone reacts
to being told they’ve said
or done something hurtful
can give important insight:
do they apologize sincerely
and act differently in the future,
or do they dismiss and minimize
the pain they’ve caused?
It’s common for abusers to try
to undermine
their target’s perceptions of events—
this is sometimes referred
to as “gaslighting.”
Following up demeaning,
humiliating, or threatening remarks
with comments that dismiss
the impact of those remarks,
like “I’m just trying to help you
improve yourself— you should be grateful,”
or “It’s really you that’s selfish
and manipulative— you’re hurting me,”
are examples of this behavior.
Lastly, when someone directs any
of these behaviors at you,
take note of whether this is part
of a pattern of behavior from them.
A one-time incident of name-calling
or a demeaning insult
might not be emotional abuse,
while repetition over time can have
a much more serious impact.
Both frequency, how often these behaviors
occur in a given period of time,
and duration, or how long they last,
whether days or years,
can contribute
to the severity of the abuse.
It’s also important to remember
that abusers rarely engage
in abusive behaviors 100% of the time—
moments of kindness or calm
don’t invalidate moments of abuse,
but are actually part of the cycle
of emotional manipulation.
So what can you do if you think you
or someone you care about
is experiencing emotional abuse?
Maintaining interpersonal ties with people
other than the abuser is crucial,
as abusers often try to isolate
their targets from others close to them.
If you think you might be experiencing
emotional abuse,
consider sharing your experiences
with a trusted friend or relative
to get outside support.
Or you can seek local or national
confidential advocacy centers
that can provide helpful resources.
And if you think someone you know
is being emotionally abused,
check in with them.
Let them know you’re thinking of them
and that you're ready to listen
whenever they'd like to share.
While emotional abusers may convince
people that they deserve to be mistreated,
nobody does: everyone deserves
kindness and respect.
