4 things all great listeners know
It's easy to tell when someone's
not paying attention,
but it can be surprisingly tricky to know
what truly excellent listening looks like.
Behavioral scientists have found
that good listening
is one of the most important things
we can do to improve our relationships,
develop our worldview, and potentially
even change people's minds.
So, what can we do to become
better listeners?
At its core, listening in a one-on-one
conversation is about taking an interest
in another person
and making them feel understood.
There’s no universally agreed
upon definition of high-quality listening,
but some recurring features include
attentiveness, conveying understanding,
and showing a positive intention
towards the speaker.
This doesn’t mean you can simply
go through the motions—
researchers have found
that merely smiling and nodding
at set intervals doesn’t quite work.
However, there is something slightly
performative about listening
in that it’s important to show
you’re doing it.
So, in addition to actively attending
to a speaker’s words,
good listeners also use questions
and body language
that indicate their understanding
and their desire to understand.
This might feel awkward at first,
and what’s most effective might depend
on your relationship with the speaker.
But with time and practice you can
internalize these basic behaviors.
So let’s say a good friend wants
to tell you about an issue
they’re having with their partner.
Before even starting your conversation,
remove any distractions
in the environment.
Turn off the TV, take off your headphones
and put your phone away— far away.
One study showed that even
the visible presence of a phone
made conversations feel less
intimate and fulfilling to those involved.
Once the conversation begins,
one of the most important things
you can do is also the most obvious—
try not to interrupt.
This doesn’t mean
you need to stay completely silent.
But if you do interject,
look for natural pauses
to ask open-ended questions
that benefit the speaker,
not just your curiosity.
Questions like “What happened next?”
or “How did that make you feel?”
confirm that you’re following
the story while also helping the speaker
dive deeper into their own thoughts.
Another great way to show your
understanding is by summarizing
what you just heard
and asking if you’ve missed anything.
Summaries like this show the speaker that
you're truly trying to understand them
rather than just waiting
for your turn to talk.
Speaking of which, while a good
conversation requires back and forth,
planning out your response
while the speaker is talking
is a common way to miss what’s being said.
So try to stay present
and if you lose focus,
don't be shy about asking the speaker
to repeat what you missed.
This might feel embarrassing,
but asking for clarification actually
shows that you’re committed
to understanding.
Finally, don’t be afraid of silence.
It’s okay to ask for a moment to formulate
your response
and taking a beat to think can help
speakers reflect on their speech as well.
These might seem like small changes,
but together they make a big difference.
And when people feel heard,
they report more satisfaction,
trust, and connection
in their relationships.
In the workplace, employees who feel heard
generally experience less burnout,
and perceive the managers who listened
to them more favorably.
Unfortunately, while it might be
easy to listen to some people,
it can be hard to muster all
this focus and attention
if you disagree with
or dislike the speaker.
But these situations might actually
benefit most from your efforts
to listen openly.
The theory of psychological reactance
suggests that trying to force someone
to change their mind makes them
more likely to defend their point of view.
However, recent studies suggest
that high-quality listening fosters
open-mindedness by creating
a non-judgmental
and psychologically safe environment.
Of course, truly open-minded listening
isn’t about changing people’s minds.
Good listening is not
the same as agreeing,
and conversations don’t have
to end with a happy resolution.
But even during a disagreement,
sometimes being heard is enough
to start a deeper conversation.
