Should you care what your parents think?
If I told you not to press
this big red button,
what would you do?
For many people, there’s no greater
motivation to do something
than being told they can’t.
So, what is it about being told “no”
that triggers this response?
One of the most enduring explanations
for this behavior
is what psychologists
call reactance theory.
Reactance is a motivational state
that occurs
when people feel their freedom
is being threatened,
and it compels them to take actions
they see as restoring that freedom.
Sometimes this emerges as
general frustration or direct argument,
but the most straightforward response
is to simply do the thing
they were told not to.
This behavior plays out in public spaces,
like when people ignore health campaigns
they perceive as overbearing,
and in private spaces,
like parent-child relationships.
However, there are situations
where something being forbidden
actually makes it less tempting.
In 1972, psychologists
at the University of Colorado
wanted to know if a romantic relationship
facing parental disapproval
was more likely to strengthen
or crumble under the pressure.
To answer this question,
they surveyed 140 couples,
varying widely in measures of happiness,
but all fairly serious
in terms of commitment.
Only some couples reported perceived
parental opposition to their relationship
over the study’s six-month period.
But those that did also reported
a steady increase in love for one another.
The researchers named this trend
the Romeo and Juliet Effect
after literature’s most famous
forbidden lovers
and concluded that the results were
largely motivated by reactance.
But in the decades since this publication,
most follow-up studies have suggested
the opposite is true.
In fact, the long-term success
of a romantic relationship
can be predicted by the perceived
approval or disapproval
of the couple’s friends and family.
This trend is known
as the Social Network Effect.
So why doesn’t reactance win
out over the Social Network Effect?
You might think it’s because we value
our existing relationships
over our potential relationships.
But in most cases,
disapproving friends and family
are just voicing negative opinions or
passively not supporting a relationship.
It’s rarely a dramatic choice
of us or them.
And when it comes to parents,
most people with good relationships
with their parents
feel they can ignore their parent’s advice
without serious consequences,
while people with
bad parental relationships
often don’t care what they think anyway.
So if disapproved relationships are
more likely to fail,
does this mean we’re not willing
to fight to date who we want?
Well, it might vary from person to person.
One theory is that there’s actually
two types of reactance:
defiant reactance, which is impulsively
doing the opposite of what we’re told,
and independent reactance, which reflects
our deeper desire to make our own choices.
For example, if you tell someone with high
defiant reactance to lower their voice,
they’ll probably start shouting.
Whereas someone with high independent
reactance is more likely
to simply ignore the request
and do what they believe is appropriate.
So when it comes
to relationship disapproval,
a defiant person might respond by pursuing
their romance in secret,
but that doesn’t change
how the group’s opinion
negatively impacts their relationship.
Conversely, someone with a particularly
independent personality might be capable
of ignoring their friends’ concerns
and loving whomever they want.
The idea of defiant and independent
reactance is fairly new,
and researchers are still working
to uncover all the motivations
behind the Social Network Effect.
But these theories help illuminate
the important relationship
between reactance and our competing needs
for independence and inclusion.
How we balance these desires varies
across individuals and cultures.
But no matter how prone
to reactance we may be,
our social networks are vital
to our sense of identity and well-being.
This is especially true
in our romantic relationships.
Studies have found that support
from a few close companions
can help buffer against disapproval
from others.
And most relationships do better
once the individuals involved
find supportive social networks.
This outcome might not seem as romantic
as a forbidden love affair,
but it’s actually in keeping
with the story of Romeo and Juliet,
whose embattled relationship couldn't
endure the threats of extreme disapproval.
