The best way to apologize (according to science)
Over the years, people have come
up with some truly awful apologies.
From classic non-apologies
to evasive excuses,
and flimsy corporate promises,
it’s all too easy to give a bad apology.
But researchers have found that good
apologies generally share certain elements
and thoughtfully considering
these factors can help you make amends
in a wide variety of situations.
Since public apologies have their
own unique complications,
we’re going to focus on some
person-to-person examples.
So, picture this: your new office has
free ice cream sandwiches
in the communal fridge—
or at least that’s what you thought.
But on Friday, when you’re helping
your co-worker Terence
set up another colleague's birthday party,
he finds that half the ice cream he bought
for the celebration is gone.
While this is obviously
an embarrassing accident,
coming forward and apologizing
is still the right thing to do.
Understanding and accepting
responsibility for your actions
is what some researchers call
the “centerpiece of an apology.”
But it’s okay if this feels difficult
and vulnerable— it’s supposed to be!
The costly nature of apologies is part
of what makes them meaningful.
So while you might be tempted to defend
your actions as accidental,
it’s important to remember
that a good apology
isn’t about making you feel better.
It’s about seeking to understand
the perspective of the wronged party
and repair the damage
to your relationship.
This means that while clarifying your
intentions non-defensively can be helpful,
your mistake being an accident shouldn’t
absolve you from offering
a sincere apology.
But what if your mistake
wasn’t an accident?
Consider this:
you promised your friend Marie that you’ll
attend her championship football match.
But another friend just called
to offer you an extra ticket
for your favorite musician's
farewell tour.
You know this is
a once-in-a-lifetime chance,
and you can’t pass it up.
Plus, you figure Marie wouldn’t
mind if you miss the game—
she always has plenty of fans
supporting her.
But the next day, Marie tells you
she was really hurt
when she didn’t see you in the crowd.
You feel terrible for upsetting her
and genuinely want to apologize.
But while you regret hurting Marie,
you’re not actually sure
if you made the wrong choice.
So how can you reach beyond
that terrible non-apology,
“I’m sorry YOU feel this way”?
In situations like this, it can be easy
to focus on rationalizing your actions
when you should be working to understand
the other person’s perspective.
Consider asking Marie
how you made them feel
to better understand your offense.
In this case, Marie might explain
that she was disappointed
you broke your promise,
and she was really counting
on your support.
This kind of clarity can help
you recognize your wrongdoing
and honestly accept how your actions
caused harm.
Then you can frame your apology
around addressing her concerns,
perhaps by admitting that it was wrong
of you to break your promise,
and you're sorry you weren't
there for her.
Clearly acknowledging wrongdoing
indicates that you know
exactly how you messed up,
and it can give Marie faith that you’ll
behave differently moving forward.
But it’s always helpful to indicate
exactly how you’ll change
and what you’ll do to repair
the damage caused by your offense.
Researchers call this
the “offer of repair,”
and it's often rated as one of the most
critical parts of an apology.
In some cases, these gestures
are straightforward,
like offering to replace
the ice cream you eat.
However, with less
tangible transgressions,
this might need to be more symbolic,
like expressing your love and respect
for someone you wronged.
One common offer of repair
is a verbal commitment
not to make the same mistake again,
but promising to do better only works
if you actually do better.
Taking the victim’s perspective,
accepting responsibility,
and making concrete offers of repair
are just a few of the elements
of a good apology.
But remember, apologies aren’t about
getting forgiveness and moving on;
they’re about expressing remorse
and accepting accountability.
And the best apologies are
just the first step
on the road to reconciliation.
