How to deal with rejection
Rejection hurts.
It’s incredibly painful
to feel like you’re not wanted—
and we do mean painful.
fMRI studies have found that rejection
elicits brain activity
in multiple neural regions
that process physical pain.
And the language we use to describe
rejection mirrors this experience.
Researchers recorded over a dozen
languages that relate rejection
to being hurt, using terms like
“crushed” or “broken-hearted.”
So why does rejection trigger
such a strong response,
and is there any way to cope
with this unique kind of pain?
Psychologists often describe rejection
as what happens when we perceive
that others don’t value
having social connections with us.
This could occur when we’re
abandoned by a romantic partner,
excluded from a group,
or outright discriminated against.
But it’s worth noting that these
interpersonal rejections
have a social element that distinguishes
them from not getting a job.
In these experiences,
we perceive that the rejecting party
undervalues our relationship.
And while the pain of rejection
often increases
the more we value a relationship,
even rejections by relative strangers
can hurt our feelings.
This might seem like an overreaction,
but just as bodily pain warns
us about perceived threats
to our physical well-being,
hurt feelings warn us about perceived
threats to our social well-being.
Some behavioral psychologists
argue this warning system developed
when our prehistoric ancestors lived
in small clans
and depended on everyone they knew
for survival.
These humans may have evolved to perceive
rejection from anyone
as a potential threat to their safety.
It’s impossible to confirm this
kind of evolutionary theory,
but wherever this warning
system came from,
it doesn't include instructions
for how to process this intense
emotional experience.
So, the next time you’re feeling rejected,
try asking yourself these questions.
The first thing to consider
is your relationship
with the person rejecting you.
Is this someone who knows you well
and whose opinion you hold dear?
Or is it just a loose acquaintance?
If it’s the latter, that might help
you answer the second question:
does this rejection really matter?
It can sting when a stranger
doesn't laugh at your joke,
but it doesn’t make sense
to react strongly to a rejection
with little impact on your life.
Of course, brushing off even a minor
rejection is easier said than done,
since how you perceive yourself
also factors into this equation.
You likely feel more confident
in some circumstances than others,
and people tend to be especially sensitive
to rejection in situations
where they have a low opinion
of themselves.
So much so, that they even become
more likely to misinterpret
other people’s neutral reactions
as rejections.
This is why it can be helpful
to both reflect on your self-view
and ask yourself if the other person
is actually rejecting you.
This might seem like an odd question.
But you may find that while the
other person didn’t treat you
as you would have liked,
they still value your relationship.
In some cases, it's also
helpful to consider
whether you were expecting more acceptance
than was reasonable.
Unfortunately, after asking
these questions,
you might still conclude
that a person close to you
doesn’t value your relationship
as much as you do.
This is a painful realization, but it
can help to remember two things.
First, this rejection isn't
just about you.
The other party wants something different
from your relationship,
and what they want might
be unreasonable, unfair,
or simply not what you have to give.
Second, their rejection isn’t proof
that there’s something wrong with you.
The pain you’re feeling
is just part of a system
nudging you to think about
your interpersonal relationships.
And by reflecting on your behavior,
you can find clues to help better
understand the rejection
and think critically
about the relationship
you want to have with this person.
Every relationship and rejection
is unique.
But whatever the specifics,
it’s important to remember
that you’re never alone in all of this.
Everyone deals with rejection
throughout their life—
even those who seem confident
in their belonging.
And one of the most common ways to cope
with this universal experience
is to reconnect with those
who already accept you.
