Listening to shame - Brené Brown
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[Applause]
I'm<00:00:17.400> going<00:00:17.600> tell<00:00:17.720> you<00:00:17.840> a<00:00:17.920> little<00:00:18.080> bit<00:00:18.439> about<00:00:18.920> my
I'm going tell you a little bit about my
I'm going tell you a little bit about my
tedex<00:00:19.600> Houston<00:00:20.160> talk<00:00:21.160> I<00:00:21.279> woke<00:00:21.519> up<00:00:21.720> the<00:00:21.800> morning
tedex Houston talk I woke up the morning
tedex Houston talk I woke up the morning
after<00:00:22.400> I<00:00:22.560> gave<00:00:22.840> that
after I gave that
after I gave that
talk<00:00:24.800> with<00:00:24.960> the<00:00:25.160> worst<00:00:25.560> vulnerability
talk with the worst vulnerability
talk with the worst vulnerability
hangover<00:00:27.800> of<00:00:28.000> my<00:00:28.640> life<00:00:29.640> and<00:00:29.759> I<00:00:30.119> actually
hangover of my life and I actually
hangover of my life and I actually
didn't<00:00:31.119> leave<00:00:31.519> my<00:00:31.800> house<00:00:32.320> for<00:00:32.599> about<00:00:32.880> 3
didn't leave my house for about 3
didn't leave my house for about 3
days<00:00:35.399> the<00:00:35.520> first<00:00:35.760> time<00:00:35.960> I<00:00:36.120> left<00:00:36.399> was<00:00:36.520> to<00:00:36.640> meet<00:00:36.800> a
days the first time I left was to meet a
days the first time I left was to meet a
friend<00:00:37.640> for<00:00:38.200> lunch<00:00:39.200> and<00:00:39.360> when<00:00:39.480> I<00:00:39.600> walked<00:00:39.879> in
friend for lunch and when I walked in
friend for lunch and when I walked in
she<00:00:40.200> was<00:00:40.360> already<00:00:40.640> at<00:00:40.719> the<00:00:40.879> table<00:00:41.160> and<00:00:41.280> I<00:00:41.399> sat
she was already at the table and I sat
she was already at the table and I sat
down<00:00:41.840> and<00:00:41.960> she<00:00:42.120> said<00:00:42.559> God<00:00:42.760> you<00:00:42.920> look<00:00:43.079> like<00:00:43.760> hell
down and she said God you look like hell
down and she said God you look like hell
I<00:00:44.840> said<00:00:45.120> thanks<00:00:45.840> um<00:00:46.360> I<00:00:46.440> feel<00:00:47.000> really<00:00:48.000> I<00:00:48.239> I'm<00:00:48.480> I'm
I said thanks um I feel really I I'm I'm
I said thanks um I feel really I I'm I'm
not<00:00:48.800> functioning<00:00:49.480> and<00:00:49.600> she<00:00:49.800> said<00:00:50.399> what's
not functioning and she said what's
not functioning and she said what's
going<00:00:50.879> on<00:00:51.600> and<00:00:51.719> I<00:00:51.840> said<00:00:52.680> I<00:00:52.840> just<00:00:53.120> told<00:00:54.320> 500
going on and I said I just told 500
going on and I said I just told 500
people<00:00:57.359> that<00:00:57.480> I<00:00:57.640> became<00:00:57.879> a<00:00:58.039> researcher<00:00:58.719> to
people that I became a researcher to
people that I became a researcher to
avoid<00:00:59.399> vulnerability
avoid vulnerability
avoid vulnerability
and<00:01:01.079> that<00:01:01.239> when<00:01:01.519> being<00:01:02.000> vulnerable<00:01:02.680> emerged
and that when being vulnerable emerged
and that when being vulnerable emerged
from<00:01:03.480> my
from my
from my
data<00:01:05.519> as<00:01:05.880> absolutely<00:01:06.799> essential<00:01:07.320> to
data as absolutely essential to
data as absolutely essential to
wholehearted
wholehearted
wholehearted
living<00:01:10.000> I<00:01:10.119> told<00:01:10.479> these<00:01:10.680> 500<00:01:11.200> people<00:01:11.920> that<00:01:12.040> I
living I told these 500 people that I
living I told these 500 people that I
had<00:01:12.240> a
had a
had a
breakdown<00:01:14.040> I<00:01:14.159> had<00:01:14.280> a<00:01:14.439> slide<00:01:14.960> that<00:01:15.080> said
breakdown I had a slide that said
breakdown I had a slide that said
breakdown<00:01:15.759> it<00:01:16.000> what<00:01:16.280> point<00:01:16.680> did<00:01:16.880> I<00:01:17.040> think<00:01:17.320> that
breakdown it what point did I think that
breakdown it what point did I think that
was<00:01:17.560> a<00:01:17.720> good
idea<00:01:21.520> and<00:01:21.640> she<00:01:21.799> said<00:01:22.119> I<00:01:22.240> saw<00:01:22.400> your<00:01:22.600> talk<00:01:22.840> live
idea and she said I saw your talk live
idea and she said I saw your talk live
streamed<00:01:23.479> it<00:01:23.600> was<00:01:23.880> it<00:01:24.040> was<00:01:24.960> not<00:01:25.240> really<00:01:25.600> you<00:01:26.280> um
streamed it was it was not really you um
streamed it was it was not really you um
it<00:01:26.439> was<00:01:26.560> a<00:01:26.680> little<00:01:26.840> different<00:01:27.119> than<00:01:27.280> what<00:01:27.360> you
it was a little different than what you
it was a little different than what you
usually<00:01:27.799> do<00:01:28.079> but<00:01:28.200> it<00:01:28.280> was<00:01:28.920> great<00:01:30.360> and<00:01:30.560> I<00:01:30.880> said
usually do but it was great and I said
usually do but it was great and I said
this<00:01:32.159> can't<00:01:32.560> happen<00:01:33.560> YouTube<00:01:34.119> they're
this can't happen YouTube they're
this can't happen YouTube they're
putting<00:01:34.640> this<00:01:34.840> thing<00:01:35.000> on<00:01:35.280> YouTube<00:01:36.119> and<00:01:36.200> we're
putting this thing on YouTube and we're
putting this thing on YouTube and we're
going<00:01:36.439> to<00:01:36.520> be<00:01:36.720> talking<00:01:37.040> about<00:01:37.640> 600<00:01:38.439> 700
people<00:01:44.159> and<00:01:44.280> she<00:01:44.399> said<00:01:44.799> well<00:01:45.719> I<00:01:45.880> think<00:01:46.119> you
people and she said well I think you
people and she said well I think you
know<00:01:46.399> it's<00:01:46.560> too<00:01:46.799> late<00:01:47.040> and<00:01:47.159> I<00:01:47.240> said<00:01:47.960> let<00:01:48.079> me<00:01:48.280> ask
know it's too late and I said let me ask
know it's too late and I said let me ask
you<00:01:48.640> something<00:01:49.520> and<00:01:49.640> she<00:01:49.799> said<00:01:50.159> yeah<00:01:50.320> and<00:01:50.399> I
you something and she said yeah and I
you something and she said yeah and I
said<00:01:50.960> do<00:01:51.040> you<00:01:51.159> remember<00:01:51.439> when<00:01:51.600> we<00:01:51.719> were<00:01:51.880> in
said do you remember when we were in
said do you remember when we were in
college<00:01:52.439> and<00:01:52.799> really<00:01:53.320> wild<00:01:53.799> and<00:01:54.040> kind<00:01:54.159> of<00:01:54.360> dumb
college and really wild and kind of dumb
college and really wild and kind of dumb
she<00:01:55.520> said<00:01:55.759> yeah<00:01:55.880> and<00:01:55.960> I<00:01:56.039> said<00:01:56.200> remember<00:01:56.439> when
she said yeah and I said remember when
she said yeah and I said remember when
we<00:01:56.719> leave<00:01:56.920> a<00:01:57.079> really<00:01:57.479> bad<00:01:57.840> message<00:01:58.119> on<00:01:58.240> our
we leave a really bad message on our
we leave a really bad message on our
ex-boyfriend's<00:01:59.079> answering<00:01:59.479> machine
ex-boyfriend's answering machine
ex-boyfriend's answering machine
then<00:02:01.600> we'd<00:02:01.799> have<00:02:01.920> to<00:02:02.039> break<00:02:02.280> into<00:02:02.520> his<00:02:02.719> dorm
then we'd have to break into his dorm
then we'd have to break into his dorm
room<00:02:03.600> and<00:02:03.759> then<00:02:04.079> erase<00:02:04.439> the
room and then erase the
room and then erase the
tape<00:02:07.600> and<00:02:07.719> she<00:02:08.119> goes<00:02:09.119> uh
no<00:02:12.520> so<00:02:12.720> of<00:02:12.840> course<00:02:13.000> the<00:02:13.120> only<00:02:13.280> thing<00:02:13.400> I<00:02:13.480> could
no so of course the only thing I could
no so of course the only thing I could
think<00:02:13.760> of<00:02:13.840> to<00:02:13.959> say<00:02:14.120> at<00:02:14.239> that<00:02:14.360> point<00:02:14.560> was<00:02:15.000> yeah
think of to say at that point was yeah
think of to say at that point was yeah
me<00:02:15.319> neither<00:02:15.800> I<00:02:16.080> that<00:02:16.640> that<00:02:17.640> that<00:02:18.400> yeah<00:02:18.760> I<00:02:19.120> yeah
me neither I that that that yeah I yeah
me neither I that that that yeah I yeah
me<00:02:19.440> neither<00:02:20.160> and<00:02:21.040> I'm<00:02:21.200> thinking<00:02:21.480> to
me neither and I'm thinking to
me neither and I'm thinking to
myself<00:02:23.360> brne<00:02:23.920> what<00:02:24.000> are<00:02:24.120> you<00:02:24.280> doing<00:02:24.720> what<00:02:24.800> are
myself brne what are you doing what are
myself brne what are you doing what are
you<00:02:25.160> doing<00:02:25.720> why<00:02:25.840> did<00:02:26.000> you<00:02:26.200> bring<00:02:26.480> this<00:02:26.680> up<00:02:27.560> have
you doing why did you bring this up have
you doing why did you bring this up have
you<00:02:27.840> lost<00:02:28.120> your<00:02:28.319> mind<00:02:29.120> your<00:02:29.319> sisters<00:02:29.720> with<00:02:30.000> be
you lost your mind your sisters with be
you lost your mind your sisters with be
perfect<00:02:30.560> for
perfect for
perfect for
this<00:02:32.959> so<00:02:33.080> I<00:02:33.200> looked<00:02:33.440> back<00:02:33.560> up<00:02:33.760> and<00:02:33.879> she
this so I looked back up and she
this so I looked back up and she
said<00:02:36.160> are<00:02:36.319> you<00:02:36.599> really<00:02:37.040> going<00:02:37.319> to<00:02:37.560> try<00:02:37.760> to
said are you really going to try to
said are you really going to try to
break<00:02:38.680> in<00:02:39.680> and<00:02:39.800> steal<00:02:40.239> the<00:02:40.400> video<00:02:40.760> before<00:02:40.959> they
break in and steal the video before they
break in and steal the video before they
put<00:02:41.239> it<00:02:41.319> on
put it on
put it on
YouTube<00:02:44.000> and<00:02:44.120> I<00:02:44.200> said<00:02:44.920> I'm<00:02:45.120> just<00:02:45.360> thinking
YouTube and I said I'm just thinking
YouTube and I said I'm just thinking
about<00:02:46.000> it<00:02:46.159> a<00:02:46.319> little
about it a little
about it a little
bit<00:02:48.840> she<00:02:49.040> said<00:02:49.760> you're<00:02:50.040> like<00:02:50.280> the<00:02:50.519> worst
bit she said you're like the worst
bit she said you're like the worst
vulnerability<00:02:51.720> role<00:02:52.040> model
ever<00:02:56.280> and<00:02:56.360> then<00:02:56.480> I<00:02:56.599> looked<00:02:56.800> at<00:02:56.920> her<00:02:57.080> and<00:02:57.200> I<00:02:57.319> said
ever and then I looked at her and I said
ever and then I looked at her and I said
something<00:02:57.920> that<00:02:58.120> at<00:02:58.200> the<00:02:58.360> time<00:02:58.560> felt<00:02:58.800> a<00:02:58.879> little
something that at the time felt a little
something that at the time felt a little
dramatic<00:02:59.599> but<00:02:59.959> ended<00:03:00.200> up<00:03:00.360> being<00:03:00.560> more
dramatic but ended up being more
dramatic but ended up being more
prophetic<00:03:01.239> than<00:03:01.360> dramatic<00:03:01.959> I
prophetic than dramatic I
prophetic than dramatic I
said<00:03:04.159> if<00:03:04.440> 500<00:03:05.120> turns<00:03:05.480> into<00:03:05.840> a
said if 500 turns into a
said if 500 turns into a
thousand<00:03:08.040> or<00:03:08.799> 2,000<00:03:09.799> my<00:03:10.040> life<00:03:10.360> is
over<00:03:14.159> I<00:03:14.280> had<00:03:14.440> no<00:03:14.720> contingency<00:03:15.280> plan<00:03:15.560> for<00:03:15.799> 4
over I had no contingency plan for 4
over I had no contingency plan for 4
million
um<00:03:21.239> and<00:03:21.400> my<00:03:21.560> life<00:03:21.760> did<00:03:22.000> end<00:03:22.640> when<00:03:22.799> that
um and my life did end when that
um and my life did end when that
happened<00:03:24.239> and<00:03:24.400> maybe<00:03:24.680> the<00:03:24.840> hardest<00:03:25.239> part
happened and maybe the hardest part
happened and maybe the hardest part
about<00:03:25.680> my<00:03:25.840> life<00:03:26.519> ending<00:03:27.519> is<00:03:28.000> that<00:03:29.000> I
about my life ending is that I
about my life ending is that I
learned<00:03:30.879> something<00:03:31.239> hard<00:03:31.519> about<00:03:31.799> myself<00:03:32.319> and
learned something hard about myself and
learned something hard about myself and
that<00:03:32.760> was<00:03:33.760> that<00:03:34.760> as<00:03:34.920> much<00:03:35.080> as<00:03:35.239> I<00:03:35.319> would<00:03:35.439> be
that was that as much as I would be
that was that as much as I would be
frustrated<00:03:36.080> about<00:03:36.280> not<00:03:36.400> being<00:03:36.599> able<00:03:36.799> to<00:03:36.920> get
frustrated about not being able to get
frustrated about not being able to get
my<00:03:37.159> work<00:03:37.360> out<00:03:37.519> to<00:03:37.680> the<00:03:37.879> world<00:03:38.680> there<00:03:38.799> was<00:03:38.920> a
my work out to the world there was a
my work out to the world there was a
part<00:03:39.239> of<00:03:39.400> me<00:03:39.599> that<00:03:39.720> was<00:03:40.000> working<00:03:40.560> very<00:03:40.879> hard<00:03:41.159> to
part of me that was working very hard to
part of me that was working very hard to
engineer<00:03:42.439> staying
engineer staying
engineer staying
small<00:03:44.799> staying<00:03:45.280> right<00:03:45.400> under<00:03:45.640> the
radar<00:03:49.120> but<00:03:49.239> I<00:03:49.319> want<00:03:49.439> to<00:03:49.640> talk<00:03:49.840> about<00:03:50.120> what<00:03:50.239> I've
radar but I want to talk about what I've
radar but I want to talk about what I've
learned<00:03:50.959> there's<00:03:51.159> two<00:03:51.360> things<00:03:51.519> that<00:03:51.640> I've
learned there's two things that I've
learned there's two things that I've
learned<00:03:52.000> in<00:03:52.120> the<00:03:52.319> last<00:03:52.599> year<00:03:53.640> um<00:03:54.640> the<00:03:54.840> first
learned in the last year um the first
learned in the last year um the first
is<00:03:58.319> vulnerability<00:03:59.319> is<00:03:59.879> not
is vulnerability is not
is vulnerability is not
weakness<00:04:02.720> and<00:04:03.040> that<00:04:03.560> myth<00:04:04.560> is<00:04:04.959> profoundly
weakness and that myth is profoundly
weakness and that myth is profoundly
dangerous<00:04:07.640> let<00:04:07.799> me<00:04:08.040> ask<00:04:08.239> you<00:04:08.480> honestly<00:04:09.360> and
dangerous let me ask you honestly and
dangerous let me ask you honestly and
I'll<00:04:09.640> give<00:04:09.760> you<00:04:09.959> this<00:04:10.280> this<00:04:10.400> warning<00:04:10.879> I'm
I'll give you this this warning I'm
I'll give you this this warning I'm
trained<00:04:11.360> as<00:04:11.480> a<00:04:11.640> therapist<00:04:12.200> so<00:04:12.400> I<00:04:12.480> can
trained as a therapist so I can
trained as a therapist so I can
outweight<00:04:13.159> you
outweight you
outweight you
uncomfortably<00:04:15.439> um<00:04:15.560> so<00:04:15.799> if<00:04:15.879> you<00:04:15.959> could<00:04:16.079> just
uncomfortably um so if you could just
uncomfortably um so if you could just
raise<00:04:16.440> your<00:04:16.639> hand<00:04:16.919> that<00:04:17.000> would<00:04:17.160> be<00:04:17.440> awesome<00:04:18.440> um
raise your hand that would be awesome um
raise your hand that would be awesome um
how<00:04:19.000> many<00:04:19.199> of<00:04:19.320> you<00:04:19.560> honestly<00:04:20.000> when<00:04:20.120> you're
how many of you honestly when you're
how many of you honestly when you're
thinking<00:04:20.600> about<00:04:20.840> doing<00:04:21.199> something
thinking about doing something
thinking about doing something
vulnerable<00:04:21.959> or<00:04:22.120> saying<00:04:22.440> something
vulnerable or saying something
vulnerable or saying something
vulnerable<00:04:24.160> think<00:04:24.720> God<00:04:24.960> vulnerability<00:04:25.479> is
vulnerable think God vulnerability is
vulnerable think God vulnerability is
weakness<00:04:26.000> this<00:04:26.120> is<00:04:26.240> weakness<00:04:26.639> how<00:04:26.720> many<00:04:26.840> of
weakness this is weakness how many of
weakness this is weakness how many of
you<00:04:27.080> think<00:04:27.240> of<00:04:27.520> vulnerability<00:04:28.000> and<00:04:28.080> weakness
you think of vulnerability and weakness
you think of vulnerability and weakness
synonymously
synonymously
synonymously
the<00:04:30.800> majority<00:04:31.240> of<00:04:31.400> people<00:04:32.400> now<00:04:32.560> let<00:04:32.680> me<00:04:32.840> ask
the majority of people now let me ask
the majority of people now let me ask
you<00:04:33.199> this<00:04:33.440> question<00:04:34.039> this<00:04:34.320> past<00:04:34.600> week<00:04:35.080> at
you this question this past week at
you this question this past week at
Ted<00:04:36.800> how<00:04:36.960> many<00:04:37.160> of<00:04:37.280> you<00:04:37.440> when<00:04:37.560> you<00:04:37.720> saw
Ted how many of you when you saw
Ted how many of you when you saw
vulnerability<00:04:38.639> up<00:04:38.919> here<00:04:39.360> thought<00:04:39.560> it<00:04:39.680> was
vulnerability up here thought it was
vulnerability up here thought it was
pure
courage<00:04:44.120> vulnerability<00:04:44.800> is<00:04:44.919> not
courage vulnerability is not
courage vulnerability is not
weakness<00:04:46.840> I<00:04:47.000> Define<00:04:47.400> vulnerability<00:04:48.639> as
weakness I Define vulnerability as
weakness I Define vulnerability as
emotional<00:04:50.680> risk<00:04:51.720> exposure
emotional risk exposure
emotional risk exposure
uncertainty<00:04:54.800> it<00:04:54.919> fuels<00:04:55.360> our<00:04:55.520> daily<00:04:56.000> lives<00:04:56.960> and
uncertainty it fuels our daily lives and
uncertainty it fuels our daily lives and
I<00:04:57.199> have<00:04:57.360> come<00:04:57.520> to<00:04:57.639> the<00:04:57.759> belief<00:04:58.080> this<00:04:58.199> is<00:04:58.320> my
I have come to the belief this is my
I have come to the belief this is my
12th<00:04:58.800> year<00:04:58.960> doing<00:04:59.199> this<00:04:59.320> research
12th year doing this research
12th year doing this research
that<00:05:01.199> vulnerability<00:05:02.199> is<00:05:02.759> our<00:05:03.120> most
that vulnerability is our most
that vulnerability is our most
accurate<00:05:05.240> measurement<00:05:05.840> of
courage<00:05:09.320> to<00:05:09.560> be<00:05:09.800> vulnerable<00:05:10.360> to<00:05:10.479> let
courage to be vulnerable to let
courage to be vulnerable to let
ourselves<00:05:11.160> be<00:05:11.280> seen<00:05:11.680> to<00:05:11.880> be
ourselves be seen to be
ourselves be seen to be
honest<00:05:14.080> one<00:05:14.199> of<00:05:14.320> the<00:05:14.440> weird<00:05:14.680> things<00:05:14.880> that's
honest one of the weird things that's
honest one of the weird things that's
happened<00:05:15.360> is<00:05:15.840> after<00:05:16.080> the<00:05:16.240> Ted<00:05:16.880> explosion<00:05:17.680> um<00:05:17.800> I
happened is after the Ted explosion um I
happened is after the Ted explosion um I
got<00:05:18.000> a<00:05:18.160> lot<00:05:18.280> of<00:05:18.479> offers<00:05:18.919> to<00:05:19.080> speak<00:05:19.479> all<00:05:19.680> over
got a lot of offers to speak all over
got a lot of offers to speak all over
the<00:05:20.120> country<00:05:20.840> um<00:05:21.520> everyone<00:05:21.960> from<00:05:22.160> schools<00:05:22.520> and
the country um everyone from schools and
the country um everyone from schools and
parent<00:05:23.039> meetings<00:05:23.400> to<00:05:23.680> Fortune<00:05:24.080> 500<00:05:25.039> companies
parent meetings to Fortune 500 companies
parent meetings to Fortune 500 companies
um<00:05:26.479> and<00:05:27.319> so<00:05:27.520> many<00:05:27.680> of<00:05:27.800> the<00:05:27.919> calls<00:05:28.199> went<00:05:28.440> like
um and so many of the calls went like
um and so many of the calls went like
this<00:05:28.919> hey<00:05:29.080> Dr<00:05:29.240> Brown<00:05:29.440> we<00:05:29.880> your<00:05:29.960> Ted<00:05:30.199> Talk<00:05:30.360> we'd
this hey Dr Brown we your Ted Talk we'd
this hey Dr Brown we your Ted Talk we'd
like<00:05:30.680> you<00:05:30.759> to<00:05:30.880> come<00:05:31.039> in<00:05:31.160> and
like you to come in and
like you to come in and
speak<00:05:33.000> we'd<00:05:33.360> appreciate<00:05:33.919> it<00:05:34.160> if<00:05:34.280> you<00:05:34.400> wouldn't
speak we'd appreciate it if you wouldn't
speak we'd appreciate it if you wouldn't
mention<00:05:35.160> vulnerability<00:05:35.759> or
shame<00:05:42.120> what<00:05:42.240> would<00:05:42.400> you<00:05:42.520> like<00:05:42.639> for<00:05:42.800> me<00:05:42.919> to<00:05:43.080> talk
shame what would you like for me to talk
shame what would you like for me to talk
about<00:05:45.440> there's<00:05:45.800> three<00:05:46.039> big<00:05:46.280> answers<00:05:46.880> this<00:05:47.000> is
about there's three big answers this is
about there's three big answers this is
mostly<00:05:47.919> to<00:05:48.080> be<00:05:48.199> honest<00:05:48.400> with<00:05:48.520> you<00:05:48.600> from<00:05:48.720> the
mostly to be honest with you from the
mostly to be honest with you from the
business<00:05:49.160> sector<00:05:50.000> Innovation<00:05:51.400> creativity
business sector Innovation creativity
business sector Innovation creativity
and
change<00:05:55.880> so<00:05:56.039> let<00:05:56.160> me<00:05:56.280> go<00:05:56.400> on<00:05:56.520> the<00:05:56.960> record<00:05:57.960> and
change so let me go on the record and
change so let me go on the record and
say<00:05:59.919> vulnerability<00:06:00.720> is<00:06:00.880> the<00:06:01.039> birthplace<00:06:01.680> of
say vulnerability is the birthplace of
say vulnerability is the birthplace of
innovation<00:06:03.120> creativity<00:06:04.120> and
innovation creativity and
innovation creativity and
[Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause]
change<00:06:13.120> to<00:06:13.440> create<00:06:13.840> is<00:06:14.000> to<00:06:14.199> make<00:06:14.599> something
change to create is to make something
change to create is to make something
that<00:06:15.599> has<00:06:15.880> never<00:06:16.240> existed
that has never existed
that has never existed
before<00:06:19.039> there's<00:06:19.440> nothing<00:06:19.840> more<00:06:20.120> vulnerable
before there's nothing more vulnerable
before there's nothing more vulnerable
than<00:06:21.160> that<00:06:22.160> adaptability<00:06:22.880> to<00:06:23.039> change<00:06:23.599> is<00:06:23.800> all
than that adaptability to change is all
than that adaptability to change is all
about
about
about
vulnerability<00:06:26.919> the<00:06:27.080> second<00:06:27.400> thing<00:06:27.639> in
vulnerability the second thing in
vulnerability the second thing in
addition<00:06:28.080> to<00:06:28.560> really<00:06:29.120> find<00:06:29.720> L<00:06:30.680> understanding
addition to really find L understanding
addition to really find L understanding
the<00:06:31.840> relationship<00:06:32.360> between<00:06:32.599> vulnerability
the relationship between vulnerability
the relationship between vulnerability
and<00:06:33.280> courage<00:06:33.680> the<00:06:33.800> second<00:06:34.120> thing<00:06:34.280> I<00:06:34.440> learned
and courage the second thing I learned
and courage the second thing I learned
is
is
is
this<00:06:37.280> we<00:06:37.560> have<00:06:37.720> to<00:06:37.880> talk<00:06:38.120> about
shame<00:06:41.599> and<00:06:41.720> I'm<00:06:41.840> going<00:06:41.919> to<00:06:42.080> be<00:06:42.280> really<00:06:42.560> honest
shame and I'm going to be really honest
shame and I'm going to be really honest
with<00:06:43.080> you<00:06:43.479> when<00:06:44.160> I<00:06:44.360> became<00:06:44.720> like<00:06:44.880> a
with you when I became like a
with you when I became like a
vulnerability
vulnerability
vulnerability
researcher<00:06:48.039> um<00:06:48.520> and<00:06:48.720> that<00:06:48.880> became<00:06:49.160> the<00:06:49.319> focus
researcher um and that became the focus
researcher um and that became the focus
because<00:06:49.840> of<00:06:49.960> the<00:06:50.039> Tad<00:06:50.360> talk<00:06:50.639> and<00:06:50.720> I'm<00:06:50.840> not
because of the Tad talk and I'm not
because of the Tad talk and I'm not
kidding<00:06:51.440> that<00:06:52.160> I'll<00:06:52.319> give<00:06:52.440> you<00:06:52.560> an<00:06:52.720> example
kidding that I'll give you an example
kidding that I'll give you an example
about<00:06:54.840> three<00:06:55.039> months<00:06:55.319> ago<00:06:55.560> I<00:06:55.639> was<00:06:55.759> in<00:06:55.879> a
about three months ago I was in a
about three months ago I was in a
sporting<00:06:56.360> goods<00:06:56.639> store<00:06:57.240> buying<00:06:57.599> goggles<00:06:57.919> and
sporting goods store buying goggles and
sporting goods store buying goggles and
shinguards<00:06:58.599> and<00:06:58.720> all<00:06:58.840> the<00:06:58.960> things<00:06:59.120> that
shinguards and all the things that
shinguards and all the things that
parents<00:07:00.280> buy<00:07:00.440> at<00:07:00.560> this<00:07:00.639> sping<00:07:00.919> goods<00:07:01.479> store
parents buy at this sping goods store
parents buy at this sping goods store
about<00:07:02.720> from<00:07:02.919> a<00:07:03.080> 100<00:07:03.360> feet<00:07:03.639> away<00:07:04.160> this<00:07:04.240> is<00:07:04.400> what
about from a 100 feet away this is what
about from a 100 feet away this is what
I<00:07:04.680> hear<00:07:05.280> vulnerability<00:07:06.000> Ted<00:07:06.440> vulnerability
Ted<00:07:15.080> yeah<00:07:15.759> I'm<00:07:15.879> a<00:07:16.120> fifth<00:07:16.479> generation<00:07:17.039> Texan
Ted yeah I'm a fifth generation Texan
Ted yeah I'm a fifth generation Texan
our<00:07:18.199> family<00:07:18.599> motto<00:07:19.160> is<00:07:19.319> Lock<00:07:19.599> and<00:07:19.800> Load<00:07:20.720> I<00:07:20.840> am
our family motto is Lock and Load I am
our family motto is Lock and Load I am
not<00:07:21.720> a<00:07:21.919> natural<00:07:22.440> vulnerability
not a natural vulnerability
not a natural vulnerability
researcher<00:07:25.000> um<00:07:25.759> so<00:07:25.960> I'm<00:07:26.560> like<00:07:27.560> just<00:07:28.280> keep
researcher um so I'm like just keep
researcher um so I'm like just keep
walking<00:07:28.879> she's<00:07:29.120> on<00:07:29.280> my<00:07:29.639> six<00:07:30.759> um<00:07:31.759> and<00:07:31.919> then<00:07:32.160> I
walking she's on my six um and then I
walking she's on my six um and then I
hear<00:07:32.840> vulnerability
hear vulnerability
hear vulnerability
t<00:07:36.000> i<00:07:36.120> turn<00:07:36.319> around<00:07:36.520> I<00:07:36.720> go<00:07:37.520> hi<00:07:38.520> she's<00:07:39.000> right<00:07:39.240> here
t i turn around I go hi she's right here
t i turn around I go hi she's right here
and<00:07:40.160> she<00:07:40.319> said<00:07:41.120> you're<00:07:41.319> the<00:07:41.440> shame<00:07:41.720> researcher
and she said you're the shame researcher
and she said you're the shame researcher
who<00:07:42.440> had<00:07:42.599> the
breakdown<00:07:48.000> at<00:07:48.199> this
breakdown at this
breakdown at this
point<00:07:50.199> parents<00:07:50.520> are<00:07:50.720> like<00:07:50.879> pulling<00:07:51.240> their
point parents are like pulling their
point parents are like pulling their
children
children
children
close<00:07:53.800> look<00:07:54.400> away
close look away
close look away
um<00:07:58.000> and<00:07:58.280> I'm<00:07:58.400> so<00:07:58.599> worn<00:07:58.879> out<00:07:59.120> at<00:07:59.240> this<00:07:59.560> point<00:07:59.720> in
um and I'm so worn out at this point in
um and I'm so worn out at this point in
my<00:08:00.039> life<00:08:00.280> I<00:08:00.400> look<00:08:00.520> at<00:08:00.639> her<00:08:00.759> and<00:08:00.879> I<00:08:01.080> actually<00:08:01.360> say
my life I look at her and I actually say
my life I look at her and I actually say
it<00:08:02.280> was<00:08:02.680> a<00:08:02.840> freaking<00:08:03.400> Spiritual
Awakening<00:08:08.800> and<00:08:08.919> she<00:08:09.120> looks<00:08:09.440> back<00:08:09.639> and<00:08:09.800> does
Awakening and she looks back and does
Awakening and she looks back and does
this<00:08:11.599> I
this I
this I
know<00:08:13.680> and<00:08:13.840> she<00:08:14.479> said<00:08:15.479> we<00:08:15.639> watched<00:08:15.919> your<00:08:16.080> Ted
know and she said we watched your Ted
know and she said we watched your Ted
Talk<00:08:16.639> in<00:08:16.759> my<00:08:16.960> book<00:08:17.479> club<00:08:18.479> then<00:08:18.639> we<00:08:18.800> read<00:08:19.039> your
Talk in my book club then we read your
Talk in my book club then we read your
book<00:08:20.000> and<00:08:20.159> we<00:08:20.319> renamed<00:08:20.879> ourselves<00:08:21.759> the
book and we renamed ourselves the
book and we renamed ourselves the
breakdown
breakdown
breakdown
babes<00:08:25.159> and<00:08:25.319> she<00:08:25.479> said<00:08:25.840> our<00:08:26.120> tagline<00:08:26.720> is<00:08:27.159> we're
babes and she said our tagline is we're
babes and she said our tagline is we're
falling<00:08:27.800> apart<00:08:28.280> and<00:08:28.400> it<00:08:28.560> feels<00:08:29.080> f
fantastic<00:08:34.200> you<00:08:34.320> can<00:08:34.479> only<00:08:34.839> imagine<00:08:35.479> what<00:08:35.599> it's
fantastic you can only imagine what it's
fantastic you can only imagine what it's
like<00:08:35.880> for<00:08:36.039> me<00:08:36.159> in<00:08:36.279> a<00:08:36.440> faculty
meeting<00:08:40.839> so<00:08:41.760> when<00:08:41.919> I<00:08:42.080> became<00:08:42.640> vulnerability
meeting so when I became vulnerability
meeting so when I became vulnerability
Ted<00:08:43.680> like<00:08:43.839> an<00:08:44.000> action
Ted like an action
Ted like an action
figure<00:08:46.240> like<00:08:46.399> ninja<00:08:46.760> Barbie<00:08:47.120> but<00:08:47.240> I'm
figure like ninja Barbie but I'm
figure like ninja Barbie but I'm
vulnerability<00:08:47.959> Ted
vulnerability Ted
vulnerability Ted
um<00:08:50.480> I<00:08:50.600> thought<00:08:50.839> I'm<00:08:50.920> going<00:08:51.040> to<00:08:51.200> leave<00:08:51.519> that
um I thought I'm going to leave that
um I thought I'm going to leave that
shame<00:08:52.040> stuff<00:08:52.440> behind<00:08:53.000> because<00:08:53.320> I<00:08:53.480> spent<00:08:53.760> six
shame stuff behind because I spent six
shame stuff behind because I spent six
years<00:08:54.600> studying<00:08:55.040> shame<00:08:55.920> before<00:08:56.120> I<00:08:56.240> really
years studying shame before I really
years studying shame before I really
started<00:08:56.720> writing<00:08:57.040> and<00:08:57.200> talking<00:08:57.519> about
started writing and talking about
started writing and talking about
vulnerability<00:08:58.800> and<00:08:58.920> I<00:08:59.079> thought<00:08:59.600> thank<00:08:59.880> God
vulnerability and I thought thank God
vulnerability and I thought thank God
because<00:09:00.320> shame<00:09:00.560> is<00:09:00.720> this<00:09:00.880> horrible<00:09:01.360> topic<00:09:01.959> no
because shame is this horrible topic no
because shame is this horrible topic no
one<00:09:02.279> wants<00:09:02.480> to<00:09:02.640> talk<00:09:02.880> about<00:09:03.120> it<00:09:03.360> it's<00:09:03.480> the<00:09:03.640> best
one wants to talk about it it's the best
one wants to talk about it it's the best
way<00:09:03.959> to<00:09:04.079> shut<00:09:04.360> people<00:09:04.560> down<00:09:04.760> on<00:09:04.880> an<00:09:05.000> airplane
way to shut people down on an airplane
way to shut people down on an airplane
what<00:09:05.880> do<00:09:06.000> you<00:09:06.120> do<00:09:06.360> I<00:09:06.480> study<00:09:06.800> shame
what do you do I study shame
what do you do I study shame
oh<00:09:09.160> um<00:09:10.160> and<00:09:10.320> I<00:09:10.440> see<00:09:10.800> you<00:09:11.640> you<00:09:11.800> know
uh<00:09:17.680> but<00:09:17.880> in<00:09:18.200> surviving<00:09:19.000> this<00:09:19.279> last
uh but in surviving this last
uh but in surviving this last
year<00:09:21.600> I<00:09:21.720> was<00:09:21.920> reminded<00:09:22.519> of<00:09:22.720> a<00:09:22.920> cardinal<00:09:23.519> rule
year I was reminded of a cardinal rule
year I was reminded of a cardinal rule
not<00:09:24.440> a<00:09:24.640> research<00:09:25.279> rule<00:09:26.279> but<00:09:26.440> a<00:09:26.720> moral
not a research rule but a moral
not a research rule but a moral
imperative<00:09:28.680> from<00:09:28.880> my<00:09:29.000> up<00:09:29.640> in<00:09:30.640> you<00:09:30.920> got<00:09:31.040> to
imperative from my up in you got to
imperative from my up in you got to
dance<00:09:32.279> with<00:09:32.440> the<00:09:32.560> one<00:09:32.800> who<00:09:32.959> BR<00:09:33.600> you<00:09:34.600> and<00:09:34.760> I<00:09:34.880> did
dance with the one who BR you and I did
dance with the one who BR you and I did
not<00:09:35.399> learn<00:09:35.959> about<00:09:36.279> vulnerability<00:09:37.040> and
not learn about vulnerability and
not learn about vulnerability and
courage<00:09:37.959> and<00:09:38.200> creativity<00:09:38.920> and<00:09:39.240> Innovation
courage and creativity and Innovation
courage and creativity and Innovation
from<00:09:40.560> studying
from studying
from studying
vulnerability<00:09:43.079> I<00:09:43.200> learned<00:09:43.600> about<00:09:43.920> these
vulnerability I learned about these
vulnerability I learned about these
things<00:09:44.480> from<00:09:44.680> studying
things from studying
things from studying
shame<00:09:46.920> and<00:09:47.040> so<00:09:47.279> I<00:09:47.360> want<00:09:47.480> to<00:09:47.680> walk<00:09:47.920> you<00:09:48.160> in<00:09:48.839> to
shame and so I want to walk you in to
shame and so I want to walk you in to
shame<00:09:51.040> Union<00:09:51.560> analysts<00:09:52.040> call<00:09:52.600> shame<00:09:53.600> the
shame Union analysts call shame the
shame Union analysts call shame the
swamping<00:09:54.440> of<00:09:54.560> the
swamping of the
swamping of the
soul<00:09:56.839> and<00:09:57.079> we're<00:09:57.240> going<00:09:57.320> to<00:09:57.560> walk<00:09:57.800> in<00:09:58.120> and<00:09:58.240> the
soul and we're going to walk in and the
soul and we're going to walk in and the
purpose<00:09:58.720> is<00:09:58.839> not<00:09:59.000> to<00:09:59.160> walk<00:09:59.440> walk<00:09:59.680> in<00:10:00.160> and<00:10:00.279> you
purpose is not to walk walk in and you
purpose is not to walk walk in and you
know<00:10:00.839> construct<00:10:01.240> a<00:10:01.360> home<00:10:01.600> and<00:10:01.800> live<00:10:02.480> there<00:10:03.480> it
know construct a home and live there it
know construct a home and live there it
is<00:10:03.760> to<00:10:03.959> put<00:10:04.120> on<00:10:04.320> some
is to put on some
is to put on some
gashes<00:10:07.160> and<00:10:07.399> walk<00:10:07.760> through<00:10:08.160> and<00:10:08.320> find<00:10:08.560> our<00:10:08.760> way
around<00:10:12.440> here's
around here's
around here's
why<00:10:15.800> we<00:10:15.959> heard<00:10:16.320> the<00:10:16.440> most<00:10:16.720> compelling<00:10:17.279> call
why we heard the most compelling call
why we heard the most compelling call
ever<00:10:17.839> to<00:10:18.000> have<00:10:18.120> a<00:10:18.440> conversation<00:10:19.440> in<00:10:19.640> this
ever to have a conversation in this
ever to have a conversation in this
country<00:10:20.920> and<00:10:21.079> I<00:10:21.200> think<00:10:21.440> globally<00:10:22.320> around<00:10:22.680> race
country and I think globally around race
country and I think globally around race
right<00:10:25.640> yes<00:10:25.920> we<00:10:26.079> heard<00:10:26.399> that<00:10:27.640> yes<00:10:28.640> cannot<00:10:28.959> have
right yes we heard that yes cannot have
right yes we heard that yes cannot have
that<00:10:29.440> conversation<00:10:30.040> without
that conversation without
that conversation without
shame<00:10:32.160> because<00:10:32.360> you<00:10:32.519> cannot<00:10:32.839> talk<00:10:33.000> about<00:10:33.279> race
shame because you cannot talk about race
shame because you cannot talk about race
without<00:10:33.959> talking<00:10:34.279> about<00:10:34.600> privilege<00:10:35.519> and<00:10:35.639> when
without talking about privilege and when
without talking about privilege and when
people<00:10:36.000> start<00:10:36.240> talking<00:10:36.480> about<00:10:36.680> privilege
people start talking about privilege
people start talking about privilege
they<00:10:37.639> get<00:10:37.800> paralyzed<00:10:38.320> by
they get paralyzed by
they get paralyzed by
shame<00:10:40.120> we<00:10:40.240> heard<00:10:40.600> a<00:10:40.760> brilliant<00:10:41.200> simple
shame we heard a brilliant simple
shame we heard a brilliant simple
solution<00:10:42.639> to<00:10:42.800> not<00:10:43.000> killing<00:10:43.320> people<00:10:43.560> in
solution to not killing people in
solution to not killing people in
surgery<00:10:44.200> which<00:10:44.279> is<00:10:44.480> have<00:10:44.600> a
surgery which is have a
surgery which is have a
checklist<00:10:46.560> you<00:10:46.760> can't<00:10:47.040> fix<00:10:47.320> that<00:10:47.560> problem
checklist you can't fix that problem
checklist you can't fix that problem
without<00:10:48.160> addressing<00:10:48.560> shame<00:10:49.320> because<00:10:49.519> when
without addressing shame because when
without addressing shame because when
they<00:10:49.839> teach<00:10:50.120> those<00:10:50.320> folks<00:10:50.560> how<00:10:50.639> to
they teach those folks how to
they teach those folks how to
suture<00:10:52.480> they<00:10:52.639> also<00:10:52.880> teach<00:10:53.120> them<00:10:53.360> how<00:10:53.480> to
suture they also teach them how to
suture they also teach them how to
stitch<00:10:54.160> their<00:10:54.680> selfworth<00:10:55.680> to<00:10:55.880> being<00:10:56.120> all
stitch their selfworth to being all
stitch their selfworth to being all
powerful<00:10:57.720> and<00:10:57.880> all<00:10:58.120> powerful<00:10:58.399> folks<00:10:58.639> don't
powerful and all powerful folks don't
powerful and all powerful folks don't
need
checklist<00:11:02.920> and<00:11:03.040> I<00:11:03.120> had<00:11:03.240> to<00:11:03.399> write<00:11:03.600> down<00:11:03.760> the
checklist and I had to write down the
checklist and I had to write down the
name<00:11:04.040> of<00:11:04.240> this<00:11:04.480> Ted<00:11:04.760> fellow<00:11:05.120> so<00:11:05.240> I<00:11:05.320> didn't<00:11:05.560> mess
name of this Ted fellow so I didn't mess
name of this Ted fellow so I didn't mess
it<00:11:05.839> up
it up
it up
here<00:11:07.600> Michigan<00:11:08.399> ingal<00:11:09.399> I<00:11:09.519> hope<00:11:09.680> I<00:11:09.800> did<00:11:10.040> right
here Michigan ingal I hope I did right
here Michigan ingal I hope I did right
by
you<00:11:14.279> I<00:11:14.360> saw<00:11:14.560> the<00:11:14.639> Ted<00:11:14.839> fellas<00:11:15.160> my<00:11:15.320> first<00:11:15.480> day
you I saw the Ted fellas my first day
you I saw the Ted fellas my first day
here<00:11:16.040> and<00:11:16.160> he<00:11:16.279> got<00:11:16.440> up<00:11:16.600> and<00:11:16.720> he<00:11:16.880> explained<00:11:17.399> how
here and he got up and he explained how
here and he got up and he explained how
he<00:11:17.720> was<00:11:17.920> driven<00:11:18.680> to<00:11:18.959> create<00:11:19.480> some<00:11:19.760> technology
he was driven to create some technology
he was driven to create some technology
to<00:11:20.920> help<00:11:21.120> test<00:11:21.360> for<00:11:21.519> anemia<00:11:21.959> because<00:11:22.200> people
to help test for anemia because people
to help test for anemia because people
were<00:11:22.560> dying
were dying
were dying
unnecessarily<00:11:24.720> and<00:11:24.839> he<00:11:24.959> said<00:11:25.160> I<00:11:25.279> saw<00:11:25.600> this
unnecessarily and he said I saw this
unnecessarily and he said I saw this
need<00:11:26.240> so<00:11:26.399> you<00:11:26.519> know<00:11:26.639> what<00:11:26.720> I<00:11:26.839> did<00:11:27.000> I<00:11:27.160> made<00:11:27.320> it
need so you know what I did I made it
need so you know what I did I made it
and<00:11:28.360> everybody<00:11:28.760> just<00:11:29.000> burn<00:11:29.480> into<00:11:29.720> Applause
and everybody just burn into Applause
and everybody just burn into Applause
and<00:11:30.279> they<00:11:30.360> were<00:11:30.560> like<00:11:30.880> yes<00:11:31.240> and<00:11:31.320> he<00:11:31.480> said<00:11:32.000> and
and they were like yes and he said and
and they were like yes and he said and
it<00:11:32.240> didn't
it didn't
it didn't
work<00:11:34.440> and<00:11:34.560> then<00:11:34.720> I<00:11:34.839> made<00:11:35.040> it<00:11:35.360> 32<00:11:36.040> more
work and then I made it 32 more
work and then I made it 32 more
times<00:11:38.240> and<00:11:38.360> then<00:11:38.519> it<00:11:39.040> worked<00:11:40.040> you<00:11:40.160> know<00:11:40.320> what
times and then it worked you know what
times and then it worked you know what
the<00:11:40.560> big<00:11:40.760> secret<00:11:41.079> about<00:11:41.279> Ted<00:11:41.600> is<00:11:42.399> I<00:11:42.480> can't<00:11:42.680> wait
the big secret about Ted is I can't wait
the big secret about Ted is I can't wait
to<00:11:42.959> tell<00:11:43.160> people<00:11:43.440> this<00:11:43.800> I<00:11:44.000> I<00:11:44.120> guess<00:11:44.240> I'm<00:11:44.360> doing
to tell people this I I guess I'm doing
to tell people this I I guess I'm doing
it<00:11:44.880> right<00:11:45.160> now
it right now
it right now
um<00:11:47.839> this<00:11:47.959> is<00:11:48.120> like<00:11:48.279> the<00:11:48.399> failure
um this is like the failure
um this is like the failure
conference<00:11:51.360> no<00:11:51.560> it
is<00:11:55.120> you<00:11:55.240> know<00:11:55.440> why<00:11:55.639> this<00:11:55.800> place<00:11:56.000> is
is you know why this place is
is you know why this place is
amazing<00:11:58.440> because<00:11:58.760> very<00:11:58.959> few<00:11:59.360> people<00:11:59.600> here<00:11:59.800> are
amazing because very few people here are
amazing because very few people here are
afraid<00:12:00.240> to
afraid to
afraid to
fail<00:12:02.519> and<00:12:02.680> no<00:12:02.800> one<00:12:02.959> that<00:12:03.079> gets<00:12:03.240> on<00:12:03.360> the<00:12:03.519> stage
fail and no one that gets on the stage
fail and no one that gets on the stage
so<00:12:03.959> far<00:12:04.160> that<00:12:04.279> I've<00:12:04.440> seen<00:12:04.720> has<00:12:04.880> not<00:12:05.279> failed<00:12:06.279> I
so far that I've seen has not failed I
so far that I've seen has not failed I
have<00:12:06.480> failed
have failed
have failed
miserably<00:12:08.279> many<00:12:08.600> times<00:12:09.200> I<00:12:09.279> don't<00:12:09.440> think<00:12:09.600> the
miserably many times I don't think the
miserably many times I don't think the
world<00:12:10.320> understands<00:12:10.760> that<00:12:11.760> because<00:12:12.279> of
world understands that because of
world understands that because of
Shame<00:12:14.040> there's<00:12:14.199> a<00:12:14.440> great<00:12:14.680> quote<00:12:14.959> that<00:12:15.079> saved
Shame there's a great quote that saved
Shame there's a great quote that saved
me<00:12:15.519> this<00:12:15.720> past<00:12:15.959> year<00:12:16.279> by<00:12:16.480> Theodore<00:12:17.120> Roosevelt
me this past year by Theodore Roosevelt
me this past year by Theodore Roosevelt
um<00:12:18.399> a<00:12:18.480> lot<00:12:18.600> of<00:12:18.760> people<00:12:19.000> refer<00:12:19.240> it<00:12:19.320> to<00:12:19.480> it<00:12:19.560> as<00:12:19.680> the
um a lot of people refer it to it as the
um a lot of people refer it to it as the
man<00:12:19.959> in<00:12:20.040> the<00:12:20.160> arena<00:12:21.000> quote<00:12:22.000> and<00:12:22.120> it<00:12:22.240> goes<00:12:22.519> like
man in the arena quote and it goes like
man in the arena quote and it goes like
this<00:12:23.360> it<00:12:23.480> is<00:12:23.720> not<00:12:24.079> the<00:12:24.240> critic<00:12:24.639> who<00:12:25.120> counts<00:12:26.120> it
this it is not the critic who counts it
this it is not the critic who counts it
is<00:12:26.440> not<00:12:26.639> the<00:12:26.800> man<00:12:27.040> who<00:12:27.279> sits<00:12:27.959> and<00:12:28.240> points<00:12:28.519> out
is not the man who sits and points out
is not the man who sits and points out
how<00:12:28.839> the<00:12:29.360> of<00:12:29.480> Deeds<00:12:29.800> could<00:12:29.920> have<00:12:30.079> done<00:12:30.320> things
how the of Deeds could have done things
how the of Deeds could have done things
better<00:12:30.959> and<00:12:31.160> how<00:12:31.360> he<00:12:31.680> falls<00:12:32.040> and<00:12:32.240> stumbles<00:12:33.040> the
better and how he falls and stumbles the
better and how he falls and stumbles the
credit<00:12:33.560> goes<00:12:33.839> to<00:12:34.000> the<00:12:34.120> man<00:12:34.320> in<00:12:34.440> the
credit goes to the man in the
credit goes to the man in the
arena<00:12:36.399> whose<00:12:36.639> face<00:12:36.800> is<00:12:37.160> marred<00:12:37.760> with<00:12:38.040> dust<00:12:38.399> and
arena whose face is marred with dust and
arena whose face is marred with dust and
blood<00:12:39.720> and<00:12:40.160> sweat<00:12:41.160> but<00:12:41.320> when<00:12:41.480> he's<00:12:41.639> in<00:12:41.760> the
blood and sweat but when he's in the
blood and sweat but when he's in the
arena<00:12:42.360> at
arena at
arena at
best<00:12:44.639> he
best he
best he
wins<00:12:46.760> and<00:12:46.920> at<00:12:47.120> worst<00:12:47.480> he<00:12:47.800> loses<00:12:48.800> but<00:12:48.959> when<00:12:49.199> he
wins and at worst he loses but when he
wins and at worst he loses but when he
fails<00:12:49.839> when<00:12:50.000> he<00:12:50.120> loses<00:12:51.000> he<00:12:51.160> does<00:12:51.399> so<00:12:51.600> daring
fails when he loses he does so daring
fails when he loses he does so daring
greatly<00:12:54.560> and<00:12:54.800> that's<00:12:55.000> what<00:12:55.120> this<00:12:55.320> conference
greatly and that's what this conference
greatly and that's what this conference
to<00:12:55.800> me<00:12:56.000> is<00:12:56.279> about<00:12:57.279> that's<00:12:57.480> what<00:12:57.680> life<00:12:57.839> is<00:12:58.000> about
to me is about that's what life is about
to me is about that's what life is about
about<00:12:58.480> daring<00:12:58.800> greatly<00:12:59.320> about<00:12:59.480> being<00:12:59.680> in<00:12:59.800> the
about daring greatly about being in the
about daring greatly about being in the
arena<00:13:00.760> when<00:13:00.880> you<00:13:01.120> walk<00:13:01.320> up<00:13:01.440> to<00:13:01.639> that<00:13:01.800> Arena<00:13:02.199> and
arena when you walk up to that Arena and
arena when you walk up to that Arena and
you<00:13:02.480> put<00:13:02.639> your<00:13:02.839> hand<00:13:03.120> on<00:13:03.240> the<00:13:03.399> door<00:13:03.680> and<00:13:03.760> you
you put your hand on the door and you
you put your hand on the door and you
think<00:13:04.079> I'm<00:13:04.320> going<00:13:04.600> in<00:13:04.839> and<00:13:04.959> I'm<00:13:05.040> going<00:13:05.160> to<00:13:05.320> try
think I'm going in and I'm going to try
think I'm going in and I'm going to try
this<00:13:06.399> shame<00:13:06.760> is<00:13:06.880> the<00:13:07.079> grimlin<00:13:08.000> who<00:13:08.199> says<00:13:09.160> uh-uh
this shame is the grimlin who says uh-uh
this shame is the grimlin who says uh-uh
you're<00:13:10.320> not<00:13:10.519> good<00:13:10.800> enough<00:13:11.800> you<00:13:11.959> never
you're not good enough you never
you're not good enough you never
finished<00:13:12.480> that<00:13:12.639> NBA<00:13:13.639> your<00:13:13.880> wife<00:13:14.120> left<00:13:14.399> you<00:13:15.240> I
finished that NBA your wife left you I
finished that NBA your wife left you I
know<00:13:15.480> your<00:13:15.639> dad<00:13:15.839> really<00:13:16.040> wasn't<00:13:16.279> in
know your dad really wasn't in
know your dad really wasn't in
Luxembourg<00:13:17.000> he<00:13:17.120> was<00:13:17.240> in<00:13:17.360> sing
Singh<00:13:20.720> I<00:13:20.839> know<00:13:21.079> you<00:13:21.440> those<00:13:21.720> things<00:13:21.920> that
Singh I know you those things that
Singh I know you those things that
happened<00:13:22.360> to<00:13:22.480> you<00:13:22.600> growing<00:13:23.360> up<00:13:24.360> I<00:13:24.480> know<00:13:24.600> you
happened to you growing up I know you
happened to you growing up I know you
don't<00:13:24.959> think<00:13:25.160> that<00:13:25.240> you're<00:13:25.440> pretty<00:13:25.760> enough<00:13:25.920> or
don't think that you're pretty enough or
don't think that you're pretty enough or
smart<00:13:26.399> enough<00:13:26.560> or<00:13:26.720> talented<00:13:27.079> enough<00:13:27.240> or
smart enough or talented enough or
smart enough or talented enough or
powerful<00:13:27.839> enough<00:13:28.600> I<00:13:28.680> know<00:13:28.800> your<00:13:29.160> dad<00:13:29.320> never
powerful enough I know your dad never
powerful enough I know your dad never
paid<00:13:29.760> attention<00:13:30.199> even<00:13:30.360> when<00:13:30.480> you<00:13:30.639> made
paid attention even when you made
paid attention even when you made
CFO<00:13:33.199> shame<00:13:33.560> is<00:13:33.760> that
CFO shame is that
CFO shame is that
thing<00:13:35.720> and<00:13:35.880> then<00:13:36.440> if<00:13:36.600> we<00:13:36.720> can<00:13:36.920> quiet<00:13:37.279> it<00:13:37.440> down
thing and then if we can quiet it down
thing and then if we can quiet it down
and<00:13:37.760> walk<00:13:38.240> in<00:13:39.240> and<00:13:39.399> say<00:13:39.639> I'm<00:13:39.800> G<00:13:39.920> to<00:13:40.120> do
and walk in and say I'm G to do
and walk in and say I'm G to do
this<00:13:42.880> we<00:13:43.079> look<00:13:43.279> up<00:13:43.480> and<00:13:43.600> the<00:13:43.760> critic<00:13:44.519> that<00:13:44.639> we
this we look up and the critic that we
this we look up and the critic that we
see<00:13:45.120> pointing<00:13:45.440> and<00:13:45.639> laughing<00:13:46.480> 99%<00:13:47.399> of<00:13:47.519> the
see pointing and laughing 99% of the
see pointing and laughing 99% of the
time<00:13:48.000> is
time is
time is
who
who
who
us<00:13:52.519> shame<00:13:52.880> drives<00:13:53.279> two<00:13:53.519> big<00:13:53.720> tapes<00:13:54.519> never<00:13:54.800> good
us shame drives two big tapes never good
us shame drives two big tapes never good
enough<00:13:57.240> and<00:13:57.399> if<00:13:57.480> you<00:13:57.600> can<00:13:57.759> talk<00:13:57.959> it<00:13:58.079> out<00:13:58.199> of
enough and if you can talk it out of
enough and if you can talk it out of
that<00:13:58.560> one<00:13:59.279> who<00:13:59.440> Do<00:13:59.560> You<00:13:59.680> Think<00:13:59.880> You
that one who Do You Think You
that one who Do You Think You
Are<00:14:02.639> the<00:14:02.800> thing<00:14:02.959> to<00:14:03.360> understand<00:14:03.519> about<00:14:03.680> shame
Are the thing to understand about shame
Are the thing to understand about shame
is<00:14:04.079> it's<00:14:04.279> not<00:14:04.519> guilt<00:14:05.440> shame<00:14:05.720> is<00:14:05.839> a<00:14:06.000> focus<00:14:06.279> on
is it's not guilt shame is a focus on
is it's not guilt shame is a focus on
self<00:14:06.759> guilt<00:14:06.959> is<00:14:07.079> a<00:14:07.240> focus<00:14:07.480> on<00:14:07.680> Behavior<00:14:08.320> shame
self guilt is a focus on Behavior shame
self guilt is a focus on Behavior shame
is<00:14:09.120> I<00:14:09.279> am<00:14:09.560> bad<00:14:09.920> guilt<00:14:10.199> is<00:14:10.360> I<00:14:10.519> did<00:14:10.720> something
is I am bad guilt is I did something
is I am bad guilt is I did something
bad<00:14:13.160> how<00:14:13.320> many<00:14:13.519> of<00:14:13.720> you<00:14:14.440> if<00:14:14.680> you<00:14:14.800> did<00:14:15.079> something
bad how many of you if you did something
bad how many of you if you did something
that<00:14:15.639> was<00:14:15.800> hurtful<00:14:16.160> to<00:14:16.279> me<00:14:16.560> would<00:14:16.800> be<00:14:16.959> willing
that was hurtful to me would be willing
that was hurtful to me would be willing
to<00:14:17.360> say<00:14:17.720> I'm<00:14:17.920> sorry<00:14:18.199> I<00:14:18.320> made<00:14:18.480> a<00:14:18.639> mistake<00:14:19.399> how
to say I'm sorry I made a mistake how
to say I'm sorry I made a mistake how
many<00:14:19.639> of<00:14:19.720> you<00:14:19.800> would<00:14:19.959> be<00:14:20.040> willing<00:14:20.279> to<00:14:20.440> say<00:14:21.040> that
many of you would be willing to say that
many of you would be willing to say that
guilt<00:14:22.720> I'm<00:14:22.839> sorry<00:14:23.399> I<00:14:23.519> made<00:14:23.680> a<00:14:23.880> mistake<00:14:24.800> shame
guilt I'm sorry I made a mistake shame
guilt I'm sorry I made a mistake shame
I'm<00:14:26.000> sorry<00:14:26.560> I<00:14:26.759> am<00:14:27.040> a<00:14:27.680> mistake<00:14:28.680> there<00:14:28.800> is<00:14:29.160> a<00:14:29.360> huge
I'm sorry I am a mistake there is a huge
I'm sorry I am a mistake there is a huge
difference<00:14:30.000> between<00:14:30.279> shame<00:14:30.560> and<00:14:30.720> guilt<00:14:31.320> and
difference between shame and guilt and
difference between shame and guilt and
here's<00:14:31.680> what<00:14:31.800> you<00:14:31.920> need<00:14:32.079> to<00:14:32.320> know<00:14:33.320> shame<00:14:33.680> is
here's what you need to know shame is
here's what you need to know shame is
highly<00:14:34.399> highly<00:14:34.800> correlated<00:14:35.759> with<00:14:36.000> addiction
highly highly correlated with addiction
highly highly correlated with addiction
depression<00:14:37.600> violence<00:14:38.240> aggression<00:14:39.040> bullying
depression violence aggression bullying
depression violence aggression bullying
suicide<00:14:40.519> eating
suicide eating
suicide eating
disorders<00:14:42.680> and<00:14:42.839> here's<00:14:43.040> what<00:14:43.120> you<00:14:43.279> even<00:14:43.440> need
disorders and here's what you even need
disorders and here's what you even need
to<00:14:43.759> know<00:14:44.079> more<00:14:45.160> guilt<00:14:46.160> inversely<00:14:46.720> correlated
to know more guilt inversely correlated
to know more guilt inversely correlated
with<00:14:47.440> those
with those
with those
things<00:14:49.959> the<00:14:50.160> ability<00:14:51.160> to<00:14:51.360> hold<00:14:51.639> something
things the ability to hold something
things the ability to hold something
we've<00:14:52.199> done<00:14:52.480> our<00:14:52.639> fail<00:14:52.880> to<00:14:53.079> do<00:14:53.399> up<00:14:53.600> against<00:14:53.880> who
we've done our fail to do up against who
we've done our fail to do up against who
we<00:14:54.160> want<00:14:54.279> to<00:14:54.480> be<00:14:55.000> is<00:14:55.240> incredibly<00:14:55.959> adaptive
we want to be is incredibly adaptive
we want to be is incredibly adaptive
it's<00:14:57.040> uncomfortable<00:14:58.040> but<00:14:58.160> it's<00:14:58.399> adaptive
the<00:15:03.000> other<00:15:03.160> thing<00:15:03.279> you<00:15:03.399> need<00:15:03.519> to<00:15:03.639> know<00:15:03.800> about
the other thing you need to know about
the other thing you need to know about
shame<00:15:04.399> is<00:15:04.519> it's<00:15:05.199> absolutely<00:15:06.199> organized<00:15:06.759> by
shame is it's absolutely organized by
shame is it's absolutely organized by
gender<00:15:08.519> if<00:15:08.639> shame<00:15:08.959> washes<00:15:09.360> over<00:15:09.600> me<00:15:09.839> and
gender if shame washes over me and
gender if shame washes over me and
washes<00:15:10.320> over<00:15:10.600> Chris<00:15:11.519> it's<00:15:11.680> going<00:15:11.759> to<00:15:11.920> feel<00:15:12.240> the
washes over Chris it's going to feel the
washes over Chris it's going to feel the
same<00:15:13.680> everyone<00:15:14.040> sitting<00:15:14.320> in<00:15:14.480> here<00:15:14.639> knows<00:15:14.920> the
same everyone sitting in here knows the
same everyone sitting in here knows the
warm<00:15:15.320> wash<00:15:15.600> of<00:15:15.880> Shame<00:15:16.880> we're<00:15:17.120> pretty<00:15:17.320> sure
warm wash of Shame we're pretty sure
warm wash of Shame we're pretty sure
that<00:15:17.680> the<00:15:17.800> only<00:15:18.040> people<00:15:18.240> who<00:15:18.399> don't
that the only people who don't
that the only people who don't
experience<00:15:19.079> shame<00:15:19.440> are<00:15:19.639> people<00:15:19.920> who<00:15:20.079> have<00:15:20.240> no
experience shame are people who have no
experience shame are people who have no
capacity<00:15:20.880> for<00:15:21.040> connection<00:15:21.399> or
capacity for connection or
capacity for connection or
empathy<00:15:23.519> which<00:15:23.680> means<00:15:24.160> yes<00:15:24.320> I<00:15:24.440> have<00:15:24.560> a<00:15:24.639> little
empathy which means yes I have a little
empathy which means yes I have a little
shame<00:15:25.279> no<00:15:25.480> I'm<00:15:25.600> a<00:15:25.920> sociopath<00:15:26.920> so<00:15:27.279> I<00:15:27.360> would<00:15:27.560> opt
shame no I'm a sociopath so I would opt
shame no I'm a sociopath so I would opt
for<00:15:28.000> yes<00:15:28.160> you<00:15:28.279> have<00:15:28.399> a<00:15:28.480> little<00:15:28.639> shame
shame<00:15:33.240> feels<00:15:33.600> the<00:15:33.720> same<00:15:33.880> for<00:15:34.040> men<00:15:34.199> and<00:15:34.360> women
shame feels the same for men and women
shame feels the same for men and women
but<00:15:34.800> it's<00:15:35.000> organized<00:15:35.560> by
but it's organized by
but it's organized by
gender<00:15:37.360> for
gender for
gender for
women<00:15:39.480> the<00:15:39.680> best<00:15:39.920> example<00:15:40.319> I<00:15:40.399> can<00:15:40.560> give<00:15:40.720> you<00:15:40.880> is
women the best example I can give you is
women the best example I can give you is
anali<00:15:41.560> Le<00:15:42.560> the
anali Le the
anali Le the
commercial<00:15:45.360> I<00:15:45.480> can<00:15:45.639> put<00:15:45.759> the<00:15:45.880> wash<00:15:46.120> on<00:15:46.279> the
commercial I can put the wash on the
commercial I can put the wash on the
line<00:15:46.920> pack<00:15:47.120> the<00:15:47.240> lunches<00:15:47.800> hand<00:15:48.000> out<00:15:48.160> the
line pack the lunches hand out the
line pack the lunches hand out the
kisses<00:15:48.600> and<00:15:48.759> be<00:15:49.000> work<00:15:49.199> at<00:15:49.440> 5:<00:15:49.759> to<00:15:50.360> 9:<00:15:51.360> I<00:15:51.440> can
kisses and be work at 5: to 9: I can
kisses and be work at 5: to 9: I can
bring<00:15:51.759> home<00:15:51.959> the<00:15:52.079> bacon<00:15:52.360> fry<00:15:52.560> it<00:15:52.680> up<00:15:52.759> in<00:15:52.839> the
bring home the bacon fry it up in the
bring home the bacon fry it up in the
pan<00:15:53.639> and<00:15:53.759> never<00:15:54.000> let<00:15:54.120> you<00:15:54.240> forget<00:15:54.519> you're<00:15:54.680> a
pan and never let you forget you're a
pan and never let you forget you're a
man<00:15:56.720> for<00:15:56.959> women<00:15:57.240> shame<00:15:57.680> is<00:15:58.360> do<00:15:58.560> it<00:15:58.680> all
man for women shame is do it all
man for women shame is do it all
do<00:15:59.600> it<00:15:59.800> perfectly<00:16:00.519> and<00:16:00.759> never<00:16:01.079> let<00:16:01.240> them<00:16:01.399> see
do it perfectly and never let them see
do it perfectly and never let them see
you
you
you
sweat<00:16:03.839> I<00:16:03.920> don't<00:16:04.079> know<00:16:04.319> how<00:16:04.440> much<00:16:04.680> perfume<00:16:05.079> that
sweat I don't know how much perfume that
sweat I don't know how much perfume that
commercial<00:16:05.680> sold<00:16:06.399> but<00:16:06.560> I<00:16:06.680> guarantee<00:16:07.199> you<00:16:07.360> it
commercial sold but I guarantee you it
commercial sold but I guarantee you it
moved<00:16:07.959> a<00:16:08.079> lot<00:16:08.240> of<00:16:08.440> anti-depressants<00:16:09.319> and
moved a lot of anti-depressants and
moved a lot of anti-depressants and
anti-anxiety
meds<00:16:15.079> shame<00:16:15.600> for<00:16:15.920> women<00:16:16.800> is<00:16:17.000> this<00:16:17.199> web<00:16:17.480> of
meds shame for women is this web of
meds shame for women is this web of
unattainable<00:16:19.759> conflicting<00:16:20.319> competing
unattainable conflicting competing
unattainable conflicting competing
expectations<00:16:21.480> about<00:16:21.680> who<00:16:21.800> we're<00:16:22.000> supposed<00:16:22.319> to
expectations about who we're supposed to
expectations about who we're supposed to
be<00:16:24.839> and<00:16:25.040> it's<00:16:25.120> a<00:16:25.240> straight
be and it's a straight
be and it's a straight
jacket<00:16:27.120> for<00:16:27.360> men<00:16:27.920> shame<00:16:28.279> is<00:16:28.480> not<00:16:28.680> about<00:16:28.959> bunch
jacket for men shame is not about bunch
jacket for men shame is not about bunch
of<00:16:29.199> competing<00:16:29.839> conflicting<00:16:30.759> expectations
of competing conflicting expectations
of competing conflicting expectations
shame<00:16:32.079> is<00:16:32.360> one<00:16:33.360> do<00:16:33.560> not<00:16:33.759> be<00:16:34.000> perceived<00:16:34.480> as
shame is one do not be perceived as
shame is one do not be perceived as
what
what
what
weak<00:16:38.440> I<00:16:38.519> did<00:16:38.680> not<00:16:38.839> interview<00:16:39.240> men<00:16:39.440> for<00:16:39.600> the
weak I did not interview men for the
weak I did not interview men for the
first<00:16:39.920> four<00:16:40.160> years<00:16:40.480> of<00:16:40.639> my<00:16:40.839> study<00:16:41.759> and<00:16:41.880> it
first four years of my study and it
first four years of my study and it
wasn't<00:16:42.240> until<00:16:42.440> a<00:16:42.519> man<00:16:42.680> looked<00:16:42.880> at<00:16:42.959> me<00:16:43.079> one<00:16:43.199> day
wasn't until a man looked at me one day
wasn't until a man looked at me one day
after<00:16:43.440> a<00:16:43.560> book<00:16:43.720> signing<00:16:44.040> and<00:16:44.160> said<00:16:44.319> I<00:16:44.440> love
after a book signing and said I love
after a book signing and said I love
what<00:16:44.680> you<00:16:44.759> have<00:16:44.920> to<00:16:45.040> say<00:16:45.199> about<00:16:45.560> shame<00:16:46.560> I'm
what you have to say about shame I'm
what you have to say about shame I'm
curious<00:16:47.240> why<00:16:47.360> you<00:16:47.440> didn't<00:16:47.639> mention<00:16:47.920> men<00:16:48.240> and<00:16:48.360> I
curious why you didn't mention men and I
curious why you didn't mention men and I
said<00:16:48.680> I<00:16:48.759> don't<00:16:48.920> study<00:16:49.560> men<00:16:50.560> and<00:16:50.680> he<00:16:50.839> said
said I don't study men and he said
said I don't study men and he said
that's
convenient<00:16:56.600> and<00:16:56.759> I<00:16:56.839> said<00:16:57.199> why<00:16:57.480> and<00:16:57.600> he<00:16:57.759> said
convenient and I said why and he said
convenient and I said why and he said
because
because
because
you<00:16:59.680> say<00:16:59.839> to<00:17:00.040> reach<00:17:00.279> out<00:17:00.639> tell<00:17:00.880> our
you say to reach out tell our
you say to reach out tell our
story<00:17:03.040> be
story be
story be
vulnerable<00:17:05.600> but<00:17:05.760> you<00:17:05.839> see<00:17:06.120> those<00:17:06.280> books<00:17:06.480> you
vulnerable but you see those books you
vulnerable but you see those books you
just<00:17:06.720> sign<00:17:07.000> for<00:17:07.160> my<00:17:07.319> wife<00:17:07.520> and<00:17:07.640> my<00:17:07.760> three
just sign for my wife and my three
just sign for my wife and my three
daughters<00:17:10.400> I<00:17:10.520> said
daughters I said
daughters I said
yeah<00:17:12.439> they'd<00:17:12.679> rather<00:17:12.880> me<00:17:13.160> die<00:17:13.439> on<00:17:13.640> top<00:17:13.839> of<00:17:13.919> my
yeah they'd rather me die on top of my
yeah they'd rather me die on top of my
white<00:17:14.280> horse<00:17:14.520> than<00:17:14.679> watch<00:17:14.919> me<00:17:15.079> fall
down<00:17:18.600> when<00:17:18.720> we<00:17:18.919> reach<00:17:19.120> out<00:17:19.319> and<00:17:19.439> be<00:17:19.600> vulnerable
down when we reach out and be vulnerable
down when we reach out and be vulnerable
we<00:17:20.600> get<00:17:20.720> the<00:17:21.039> beat<00:17:21.240> out<00:17:21.360> of
we get the beat out of
we get the beat out of
us<00:17:23.600> and<00:17:23.720> don't<00:17:23.919> tell<00:17:24.079> me<00:17:24.280> it's<00:17:24.439> from<00:17:24.880> are<00:17:25.160> the
us and don't tell me it's from are the
us and don't tell me it's from are the
guys<00:17:25.559> and<00:17:25.720> the<00:17:25.839> coaches<00:17:26.160> and<00:17:26.319> the
guys and the coaches and the
guys and the coaches and the
dads<00:17:29.320> because<00:17:29.520> the<00:17:29.640> women<00:17:29.840> in<00:17:29.960> my<00:17:30.080> life<00:17:30.200> are
dads because the women in my life are
dads because the women in my life are
harder<00:17:30.600> on<00:17:30.679> me<00:17:30.840> than<00:17:30.960> anyone
harder on me than anyone
harder on me than anyone
else<00:17:33.679> so<00:17:33.880> I<00:17:33.960> started<00:17:34.280> interviewing<00:17:34.760> men<00:17:34.960> and
else so I started interviewing men and
else so I started interviewing men and
asking
asking
asking
questions<00:17:37.360> and<00:17:37.559> what<00:17:37.679> I<00:17:37.799> learned<00:17:38.120> is
questions and what I learned is
questions and what I learned is
this<00:17:39.919> you<00:17:40.080> show<00:17:40.280> me<00:17:40.440> a<00:17:40.559> woman<00:17:40.799> who<00:17:40.919> can
this you show me a woman who can
this you show me a woman who can
actually<00:17:41.480> sit<00:17:41.720> with<00:17:41.840> a<00:17:41.960> man<00:17:42.120> in<00:17:42.240> real
actually sit with a man in real
actually sit with a man in real
vulnerability<00:17:43.080> and<00:17:43.320> fear<00:17:44.320> I'll<00:17:44.480> show<00:17:44.679> you<00:17:44.799> a
vulnerability and fear I'll show you a
vulnerability and fear I'll show you a
woman<00:17:45.280> who's<00:17:45.520> done<00:17:45.720> incredible<00:17:46.720> work<00:17:47.720> you
woman who's done incredible work you
woman who's done incredible work you
show<00:17:48.080> me<00:17:48.240> a<00:17:48.400> man<00:17:48.600> who<00:17:48.720> can<00:17:48.840> sit<00:17:49.039> with<00:17:49.160> a<00:17:49.320> woman
show me a man who can sit with a woman
show me a man who can sit with a woman
who's<00:17:50.720> just<00:17:51.320> had<00:17:51.520> it<00:17:52.039> she<00:17:52.280> can't<00:17:52.480> do<00:17:52.679> it<00:17:52.880> all
who's just had it she can't do it all
who's just had it she can't do it all
anymore<00:17:55.520> and<00:17:55.720> his<00:17:55.880> first<00:17:56.159> response<00:17:56.559> is<00:17:56.760> not<00:17:57.400> I
anymore and his first response is not I
anymore and his first response is not I
unloaded<00:17:58.159> the<00:17:58.280> dishwasher
unloaded the dishwasher
unloaded the dishwasher
but<00:18:00.919> he<00:18:01.200> really<00:18:01.919> listens<00:18:02.919> cuz<00:18:03.080> that's<00:18:03.240> all<00:18:03.400> we
but he really listens cuz that's all we
but he really listens cuz that's all we
need<00:18:04.360> I'll<00:18:04.480> show<00:18:04.640> you<00:18:04.760> a<00:18:04.880> guy<00:18:05.000> who's<00:18:05.200> done<00:18:05.320> a
need I'll show you a guy who's done a
need I'll show you a guy who's done a
lot<00:18:05.520> of
lot of
lot of
work<00:18:07.440> shame<00:18:07.919> is<00:18:08.080> an<00:18:08.320> epidemic<00:18:09.080> in<00:18:09.200> our
work shame is an epidemic in our
work shame is an epidemic in our
culture<00:18:12.320> and<00:18:12.600> to<00:18:12.799> get<00:18:12.919> out<00:18:13.120> from<00:18:13.320> underneath
culture and to get out from underneath
culture and to get out from underneath
it<00:18:16.720> to<00:18:16.919> find<00:18:17.200> our<00:18:17.480> way<00:18:17.960> back<00:18:18.159> to<00:18:18.440> each<00:18:18.600> other<00:18:19.280> we
it to find our way back to each other we
it to find our way back to each other we
have<00:18:19.559> to<00:18:20.120> understand<00:18:20.440> how<00:18:20.559> it<00:18:20.760> affects<00:18:21.039> us<00:18:21.200> and
have to understand how it affects us and
have to understand how it affects us and
how<00:18:21.480> it<00:18:21.720> affects<00:18:22.600> the<00:18:22.799> way<00:18:22.919> our<00:18:23.159> parenting<00:18:23.799> the
how it affects the way our parenting the
how it affects the way our parenting the
way<00:18:24.039> we're<00:18:24.200> working<00:18:24.640> the<00:18:24.760> way<00:18:24.880> we're<00:18:25.080> looking
way we're working the way we're looking
way we're working the way we're looking
at<00:18:25.520> each
at each
at each
other<00:18:28.159> very<00:18:28.400> quickly<00:18:28.799> some<00:18:28.919> research<00:18:29.240> by
other very quickly some research by
other very quickly some research by
mahalik<00:18:29.840> at<00:18:29.960> Boston<00:18:30.559> College<00:18:31.559> he<00:18:31.799> asked<00:18:32.360> what
mahalik at Boston College he asked what
mahalik at Boston College he asked what
do<00:18:32.760> women<00:18:32.960> need<00:18:33.120> to<00:18:33.240> do<00:18:33.400> to<00:18:33.559> conform<00:18:33.919> to<00:18:34.080> female
do women need to do to conform to female
do women need to do to conform to female
Norms<00:18:34.919> the<00:18:35.080> top<00:18:35.320> answers<00:18:36.039> in<00:18:36.240> this
Norms the top answers in this
Norms the top answers in this
country<00:18:38.960> nice<00:18:39.320> thin<00:18:39.640> modest<00:18:40.039> and<00:18:40.200> use<00:18:40.480> all
country nice thin modest and use all
country nice thin modest and use all
available<00:18:41.080> resources<00:18:41.520> for
available resources for
available resources for
appearance<00:18:44.320> when<00:18:44.520> he<00:18:44.720> asked<00:18:45.000> about<00:18:45.240> men<00:18:45.520> what
appearance when he asked about men what
appearance when he asked about men what
do<00:18:45.799> men<00:18:45.960> in<00:18:46.039> this<00:18:46.159> country<00:18:46.400> need<00:18:46.559> to<00:18:46.720> do<00:18:47.640> to
do men in this country need to do to
do men in this country need to do to
conform<00:18:49.080> with<00:18:49.240> male<00:18:49.520> Norms<00:18:50.200> the<00:18:50.360> answers<00:18:50.799> were
conform with male Norms the answers were
conform with male Norms the answers were
always<00:18:52.039> show<00:18:52.280> emotional<00:18:52.760> control<00:18:53.720> work<00:18:54.039> is
always show emotional control work is
always show emotional control work is
first<00:18:55.320> pursue<00:18:55.880> status<00:18:56.799> and
first pursue status and
first pursue status and
violence<00:18:58.799> if<00:18:58.880> we're<00:18:59.000> going<00:18:59.080> to<00:18:59.200> find<00:18:59.360> our<00:18:59.520> way
violence if we're going to find our way
violence if we're going to find our way
back<00:18:59.840> to<00:19:00.000> each<00:19:00.159> other<00:19:00.480> we<00:19:00.640> have<00:19:00.720> to<00:19:01.360> understand
back to each other we have to understand
back to each other we have to understand
and<00:19:02.520> know<00:19:02.799> empathy<00:19:03.400> because<00:19:03.640> empathy<00:19:03.960> is<00:19:04.039> the
and know empathy because empathy is the
and know empathy because empathy is the
antidote<00:19:04.600> to<00:19:04.919> shame<00:19:05.919> if<00:19:06.039> you<00:19:06.240> put<00:19:06.440> shame<00:19:06.760> in<00:19:06.880> a
antidote to shame if you put shame in a
antidote to shame if you put shame in a
Petri<00:19:07.400> dish<00:19:08.240> it<00:19:08.360> needs<00:19:08.679> three<00:19:08.880> things<00:19:09.080> to<00:19:09.200> grow
Petri dish it needs three things to grow
Petri dish it needs three things to grow
exponentially<00:19:10.600> secrecy<00:19:11.200> silence<00:19:11.520> and
exponentially secrecy silence and
exponentially secrecy silence and
judgment<00:19:13.039> if<00:19:13.120> you<00:19:13.240> put<00:19:13.400> the<00:19:13.520> same<00:19:13.679> amount<00:19:13.840> of
judgment if you put the same amount of
judgment if you put the same amount of
shame<00:19:14.120> in<00:19:14.200> a<00:19:14.280> Petri<00:19:14.600> dish<00:19:14.799> and<00:19:14.960> doubts<00:19:15.240> it<00:19:15.360> with
shame in a Petri dish and doubts it with
shame in a Petri dish and doubts it with
empathy<00:19:15.880> it<00:19:16.000> can't<00:19:16.679> survive<00:19:17.679> the<00:19:17.840> two<00:19:18.120> most
empathy it can't survive the two most
empathy it can't survive the two most
powerful<00:19:18.840> words<00:19:19.400> when<00:19:19.559> we're<00:19:19.760> in<00:19:20.000> struggle<00:19:20.960> me
powerful words when we're in struggle me
powerful words when we're in struggle me
too<00:19:23.000> and<00:19:23.080> so<00:19:23.240> I'll<00:19:23.400> leave<00:19:23.679> you<00:19:24.240> with<00:19:24.440> this
too and so I'll leave you with this
too and so I'll leave you with this
thought<00:19:26.280> if<00:19:26.400> we're<00:19:26.600> going<00:19:26.799> to<00:19:27.039> find<00:19:27.320> our<00:19:27.559> way
thought if we're going to find our way
thought if we're going to find our way
back<00:19:28.520> to<00:19:28.720> to<00:19:28.919> each
back to to each
back to to each
other<00:19:30.799> vulnerability<00:19:31.600> is<00:19:31.799> going<00:19:31.960> to<00:19:32.200> be<00:19:32.520> that
other vulnerability is going to be that
other vulnerability is going to be that
path<00:19:34.720> and<00:19:34.840> I<00:19:35.000> know<00:19:35.200> it's<00:19:35.360> seductive<00:19:35.799> to<00:19:35.919> stand
path and I know it's seductive to stand
path and I know it's seductive to stand
outside<00:19:36.520> the<00:19:36.679> arena<00:19:37.080> because<00:19:37.200> I<00:19:37.320> think<00:19:37.440> I<00:19:37.559> did
outside the arena because I think I did
outside the arena because I think I did
it<00:19:37.880> my<00:19:38.039> whole<00:19:38.320> life<00:19:39.120> and<00:19:39.280> think<00:19:39.480> to<00:19:39.679> myself<00:19:40.120> I'm
it my whole life and think to myself I'm
it my whole life and think to myself I'm
going<00:19:40.320> to<00:19:40.480> go<00:19:40.640> in<00:19:40.840> there<00:19:41.000> and<00:19:41.200> kick<00:19:41.400> some<00:19:41.880> ass
going to go in there and kick some ass
going to go in there and kick some ass
when<00:19:43.039> I'm<00:19:43.200> bulletproof<00:19:43.960> and<00:19:44.080> when<00:19:44.200> I'm
perfect<00:19:47.440> and<00:19:47.600> that<00:19:47.760> is<00:19:47.919> seductive<00:19:48.720> but<00:19:48.880> the
perfect and that is seductive but the
perfect and that is seductive but the
truth<00:19:49.360> is<00:19:50.240> that<00:19:50.400> never<00:19:51.240> happens<00:19:52.240> and<00:19:52.400> even<00:19:52.960> if
truth is that never happens and even if
truth is that never happens and even if
you<00:19:53.200> got<00:19:53.360> as<00:19:53.480> perfect<00:19:53.799> as<00:19:53.880> you<00:19:54.039> could<00:19:54.200> and<00:19:54.320> as
you got as perfect as you could and as
you got as perfect as you could and as
bulletproof<00:19:54.960> as<00:19:55.039> you<00:19:55.159> could<00:19:55.360> possibly<00:19:56.000> muster
bulletproof as you could possibly muster
bulletproof as you could possibly muster
when<00:19:57.120> you<00:19:57.320> got<00:19:57.480> in<00:19:57.640> there<00:19:57.960> that's<00:19:58.120> not<00:19:58.280> what<00:19:58.400> we
when you got in there that's not what we
when you got in there that's not what we
want<00:19:58.840> to
see<00:20:02.120> we<00:20:02.240> want<00:20:02.400> you<00:20:02.520> to<00:20:02.720> go
see we want you to go
see we want you to go
in<00:20:05.039> we<00:20:05.159> want<00:20:05.320> to<00:20:05.480> be<00:20:05.720> with<00:20:05.840> you<00:20:06.000> and<00:20:06.159> across
in we want to be with you and across
in we want to be with you and across
from
from
from
you<00:20:08.480> and<00:20:08.640> we<00:20:08.960> just<00:20:09.280> want<00:20:10.200> for<00:20:10.440> ourselves<00:20:10.880> and
you and we just want for ourselves and
you and we just want for ourselves and
the<00:20:11.280> people<00:20:11.520> we<00:20:11.679> care<00:20:11.960> about<00:20:12.559> and<00:20:12.679> the<00:20:12.799> people
the people we care about and the people
the people we care about and the people
we<00:20:13.200> work<00:20:13.480> with<00:20:14.360> to<00:20:14.520> dare<00:20:14.880> greatly<00:20:15.679> so<00:20:15.880> thank
we work with to dare greatly so thank
we work with to dare greatly so thank
you'all<00:20:16.360> very<00:20:16.520> much<00:20:16.799> I<00:20:16.960> really<00:20:17.200> appreciate
it
w
Brene Brown, shame, vulnerability, psychology, TED, TED-Ed, TED, Ed, TEDEducation
