Sức mạnh của lỗ hổng – Brené Brown

The power of vulnerability - Brené Brown

Autoscroll:

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so<00:00:17.279> I'll<00:00:17.439> start<00:00:17.640> with<00:00:17.800> this<00:00:17.960> a<00:00:18.039> couple<00:00:18.320> years so I'll start with this a couple years so I'll start with this a couple years ago<00:00:19.039> an<00:00:19.199> event<00:00:19.439> planner<00:00:19.840> called<00:00:20.080> me<00:00:20.279> because<00:00:20.439> I ago an event planner called me because I ago an event planner called me because I was<00:00:20.680> going<00:00:20.880> to<00:00:20.960> do<00:00:21.119> a<00:00:21.199> speaking<00:00:21.640> event<00:00:22.080> and<00:00:22.199> she was going to do a speaking event and she was going to do a speaking event and she called<00:00:22.680> and<00:00:22.800> she<00:00:23.240> said<00:00:24.240> I'm<00:00:24.400> really called and she said I'm really called and she said I'm really struggling<00:00:25.160> with<00:00:25.359> how<00:00:25.640> to<00:00:25.840> write<00:00:26.080> about<00:00:26.279> you struggling with how to write about you struggling with how to write about you on<00:00:26.560> the<00:00:26.679> little<00:00:26.880> flyer<00:00:27.760> and<00:00:27.880> I<00:00:28.039> thoughtwell on the little flyer and I thoughtwell on the little flyer and I thoughtwell what's<00:00:28.599> the<00:00:28.760> struggle<00:00:29.119> and<00:00:29.240> she<00:00:29.400> said what's the struggle and she said what's the struggle and she said well<00:00:30.880> I<00:00:30.960> saw<00:00:31.240> you<00:00:31.439> speak<00:00:31.800> and<00:00:32.040> I<00:00:32.279> I<00:00:32.520> I<00:00:32.719> I'm<00:00:32.800> going well I saw you speak and I I I I'm going well I saw you speak and I I I I'm going to<00:00:33.040> call<00:00:33.239> you<00:00:33.360> a<00:00:33.520> researcher<00:00:34.239> I<00:00:34.360> think<00:00:34.600> but<00:00:34.760> I'm to call you a researcher I think but I'm to call you a researcher I think but I'm afraid<00:00:35.120> if<00:00:35.239> I<00:00:35.360> call<00:00:35.520> you<00:00:35.640> a<00:00:35.719> researcher<00:00:36.160> no<00:00:36.280> one afraid if I call you a researcher no one afraid if I call you a researcher no one will<00:00:36.640> come<00:00:36.960> because<00:00:37.160> they'll<00:00:37.360> think<00:00:37.520> you're will come because they'll think you're will come because they'll think you're boring<00:00:38.040> and

irrelevant<00:00:41.360> and<00:00:41.800> I<00:00:42.000> like<00:00:42.320> okay<00:00:42.520> and<00:00:42.640> she<00:00:42.800> said irrelevant and I like okay and she said irrelevant and I like okay and she said so<00:00:43.680> but<00:00:43.840> the<00:00:43.960> thing<00:00:44.120> I<00:00:44.239> liked<00:00:44.480> about<00:00:44.640> your<00:00:44.840> talk so but the thing I liked about your talk so but the thing I liked about your talk is<00:00:45.280> you<00:00:45.360> know<00:00:45.480> you're<00:00:45.600> a<00:00:45.760> Storyteller<00:00:46.520> so<00:00:46.840> I is you know you're a Storyteller so I is you know you're a Storyteller so I think<00:00:47.160> what<00:00:47.280> I'll<00:00:47.440> do<00:00:47.600> is<00:00:47.760> just<00:00:47.920> call<00:00:48.120> you<00:00:48.239> a think what I'll do is just call you a think what I'll do is just call you a Storyteller<00:00:50.039> and<00:00:50.160> of<00:00:50.320> course<00:00:50.559> the<00:00:50.879> academic Storyteller and of course the academic Storyteller and of course the academic insecure<00:00:52.440> part<00:00:52.600> of<00:00:52.719> me<00:00:52.960> was<00:00:53.199> like<00:00:53.960> you're insecure part of me was like you're insecure part of me was like you're going<00:00:54.160> to<00:00:54.280> call<00:00:54.399> me<00:00:54.520> a<00:00:54.760> what<00:00:55.399> and<00:00:55.480> she<00:00:55.640> said<00:00:55.920> I'm going to call me a what and she said I'm going to call me a what and she said I'm going<00:00:56.079> to<00:00:56.239> call<00:00:56.399> you<00:00:56.520> a<00:00:56.680> Storyteller<00:00:57.480> and<00:00:57.600> I going to call you a Storyteller and I going to call you a Storyteller and I was<00:00:57.879> like<00:00:58.879> oh<00:00:59.399> why<00:00:59.519> not<00:00:59.719> m<00:01:00.000> magic<00:01:00.359> pixie<00:01:01.680> um<00:01:02.680> I was like oh why not m magic pixie um I was like oh why not m magic pixie um I was<00:01:02.920> like<00:01:03.879> I<00:01:04.080> I<00:01:04.199> don't<00:01:04.920> I<00:01:05.040> let<00:01:05.159> me<00:01:05.320> think<00:01:05.479> about was like I I don't I let me think about was like I I don't I let me think about this<00:01:05.799> for<00:01:05.960> a<00:01:06.080> second<00:01:06.439> and<00:01:06.600> so<00:01:07.360> I<00:01:07.479> tried<00:01:07.680> to<00:01:07.799> call this for a second and so I tried to call this for a second and so I tried to call Deep<00:01:08.240> on<00:01:08.400> my<00:01:08.920> courage<00:01:09.920> and<00:01:10.080> I<00:01:10.280> thought<00:01:11.240> you Deep on my courage and I thought you Deep on my courage and I thought you know<00:01:11.520> I<00:01:11.600> am<00:01:11.720> a<00:01:12.080> Storyteller<00:01:13.080> I'm<00:01:13.200> a know I am a Storyteller I'm a know I am a Storyteller I'm a qualitative<00:01:13.840> researcher<00:01:14.280> I<00:01:14.400> collect<00:01:14.720> stories qualitative researcher I collect stories qualitative researcher I collect stories that's<00:01:15.280> what<00:01:15.439> I<00:01:15.720> do<00:01:16.720> and<00:01:16.880> maybe<00:01:17.240> stories<00:01:17.680> are that's what I do and maybe stories are that's what I do and maybe stories are just<00:01:18.080> data<00:01:18.400> with<00:01:18.520> a<00:01:18.680> soul<00:01:19.200> you<00:01:19.360> know<00:01:19.600> and<00:01:19.759> maybe just data with a soul you know and maybe just data with a soul you know and maybe I'm<00:01:20.479> just<00:01:21.200> a<00:01:21.360> Storyteller<00:01:22.119> so<00:01:22.280> I<00:01:22.400> said<00:01:22.600> you I'm just a Storyteller so I said you I'm just a Storyteller so I said you know<00:01:22.960> what<00:01:23.680> why<00:01:23.840> not<00:01:24.040> you<00:01:24.159> just<00:01:24.240> say<00:01:24.400> I'm<00:01:24.479> a know what why not you just say I'm a know what why not you just say I'm a researcher<00:01:25.439> Storyteller<00:01:26.439> and<00:01:26.560> she researcher Storyteller and she researcher Storyteller and she went<00:01:28.759> there's<00:01:29.000> no<00:01:29.240> such<00:01:29.520> thing went there's no such thing went there's no such thing so<00:01:31.840> I'm<00:01:31.960> a<00:01:32.040> researcher<00:01:33.119> Storyteller<00:01:34.119> um<00:01:34.280> and so I'm a researcher Storyteller um and so I'm a researcher Storyteller um and I'm<00:01:34.520> going<00:01:34.640> to<00:01:34.799> talk<00:01:34.960> to<00:01:35.079> you<00:01:35.200> today<00:01:35.600> we're I'm going to talk to you today we're I'm going to talk to you today we're talking<00:01:36.079> about<00:01:36.320> expanding<00:01:36.960> perception<00:01:37.479> and talking about expanding perception and talking about expanding perception and so<00:01:37.759> I<00:01:37.880> want<00:01:38.000> to<00:01:38.119> talk<00:01:38.280> to<00:01:38.439> you<00:01:38.640> and<00:01:38.759> tell<00:01:38.960> some so I want to talk to you and tell some so I want to talk to you and tell some stories<00:01:39.640> about<00:01:40.280> a<00:01:40.479> piece<00:01:40.680> of<00:01:40.840> my<00:01:41.399> research stories about a piece of my research stories about a piece of my research that<00:01:42.920> fundamentally<00:01:43.640> expanded<00:01:44.040> my that fundamentally expanded my that fundamentally expanded my perception<00:01:45.240> um<00:01:45.439> and<00:01:45.600> really<00:01:45.960> actually perception um and really actually perception um and really actually changed<00:01:46.600> the<00:01:46.680> way<00:01:46.880> that<00:01:47.040> I<00:01:47.200> live<00:01:47.640> and<00:01:47.840> love<00:01:48.360> and changed the way that I live and love and changed the way that I live and love and work<00:01:48.799> and<00:01:49.439> parent<00:01:50.439> um<00:01:50.640> and<00:01:50.759> this<00:01:50.880> is<00:01:51.040> where<00:01:51.200> my work and parent um and this is where my work and parent um and this is where my story<00:01:52.079> starts<00:01:53.079> when<00:01:53.240> I<00:01:53.320> was<00:01:53.479> a<00:01:53.560> young story starts when I was a young story starts when I was a young researcher<00:01:54.399> doctoral<00:01:54.799> student<00:01:55.799> my<00:01:55.960> first researcher doctoral student my first researcher doctoral student my first year<00:01:56.360> I<00:01:56.439> had<00:01:56.560> a<00:01:56.680> research<00:01:57.119> Professor<00:01:58.039> who<00:01:58.680> said year I had a research Professor who said year I had a research Professor who said to<00:01:59.079> us<00:01:59.640> he<00:01:59.920> here's<00:02:00.119> the<00:02:00.280> thing<00:02:01.079> if<00:02:01.200> you<00:02:01.439> cannot to us he here's the thing if you cannot to us he here's the thing if you cannot measure<00:02:02.119> it<00:02:02.399> it<00:02:02.560> does<00:02:02.799> not measure it it does not measure it it does not exist<00:02:05.479> and<00:02:05.640> I<00:02:05.759> thought<00:02:05.920> he<00:02:06.039> was<00:02:06.200> just<00:02:06.320> sweet exist and I thought he was just sweet exist and I thought he was just sweet talking<00:02:06.920> to<00:02:07.000> me<00:02:07.240> I<00:02:07.320> was<00:02:07.560> like<00:02:08.520> really<00:02:08.840> and<00:02:08.959> he's talking to me I was like really and he's talking to me I was like really and he's like<00:02:09.759> absolutely<00:02:10.759> so<00:02:10.920> you<00:02:11.039> have<00:02:11.160> to like absolutely so you have to like absolutely so you have to understand<00:02:11.760> that<00:02:11.959> I<00:02:12.160> have<00:02:13.120> a<00:02:13.319> bachelor's<00:02:13.720> in understand that I have a bachelor's in understand that I have a bachelor's in social<00:02:14.080> work<00:02:14.239> a<00:02:14.360> master's<00:02:14.680> in<00:02:14.760> social<00:02:15.000> work social work a master's in social work social work a master's in social work and<00:02:15.200> I<00:02:15.280> was<00:02:15.360> getting<00:02:15.519> my<00:02:15.640> PHD<00:02:16.040> in<00:02:16.200> social<00:02:16.440> work and I was getting my PHD in social work and I was getting my PHD in social work so<00:02:17.040> my<00:02:17.160> entire<00:02:17.519> academic<00:02:17.959> career<00:02:18.599> was so my entire academic career was so my entire academic career was surrounded<00:02:19.319> by<00:02:19.599> people<00:02:20.239> who<00:02:20.480> kind<00:02:20.599> of surrounded by people who kind of surrounded by people who kind of believed<00:02:21.440> in<00:02:21.680> the<00:02:21.920> life's believed in the life's believed in the life's messy<00:02:24.000> love<00:02:24.519> it<00:02:25.519> you<00:02:25.680> know<00:02:25.840> and<00:02:25.959> I'm<00:02:26.120> more<00:02:26.440> the messy love it you know and I'm more the messy love it you know and I'm more the life's<00:02:26.920> messy<00:02:27.920> clean<00:02:28.200> it<00:02:28.400> up life's messy clean it up life's messy clean it up organize<00:02:30.680> it<00:02:30.959> and<00:02:31.080> put<00:02:31.239> it<00:02:31.360> into<00:02:31.599> a<00:02:31.680> Bento<00:02:32.319> Box organize it and put it into a Bento Box organize it and put it into a Bento Box um<00:02:35.280> and<00:02:35.440> so<00:02:35.760> to<00:02:36.080> think<00:02:36.280> that<00:02:36.400> I<00:02:36.480> had<00:02:36.640> found<00:02:36.959> my um and so to think that I had found my um and so to think that I had found my way<00:02:37.959> to<00:02:38.120> found<00:02:38.360> a<00:02:38.560> career<00:02:39.519> that<00:02:39.720> takes<00:02:40.040> me<00:02:40.319> you way to found a career that takes me you way to found a career that takes me you know<00:02:40.599> really<00:02:40.800> one<00:02:40.920> of<00:02:41.040> the<00:02:41.200> big<00:02:41.800> saying<00:02:42.800> in<00:02:43.080> in know really one of the big saying in in know really one of the big saying in in social<00:02:43.480> work<00:02:43.640> is<00:02:43.760> lean<00:02:44.040> into<00:02:44.239> the<00:02:44.400> discomfort social work is lean into the discomfort social work is lean into the discomfort of<00:02:45.319> the<00:02:45.599> work<00:02:46.599> and<00:02:46.760> I'm<00:02:46.959> like<00:02:47.120> you<00:02:47.239> know<00:02:47.440> knock of the work and I'm like you know knock of the work and I'm like you know knock discomfort<00:02:48.239> upside<00:02:48.640> the<00:02:48.800> head<00:02:49.159> and<00:02:49.319> move<00:02:49.519> it discomfort upside the head and move it discomfort upside the head and move it over<00:02:50.480> and<00:02:50.640> get<00:02:50.800> all<00:02:51.000> A's<00:02:51.519> that's<00:02:51.760> my<00:02:52.080> that<00:02:52.200> was over and get all A's that's my that was over and get all A's that's my that was my my my Mantra<00:02:54.519> so<00:02:54.680> I<00:02:54.800> was<00:02:54.959> very<00:02:55.200> excited<00:02:55.640> about<00:02:56.000> this Mantra so I was very excited about this Mantra so I was very excited about this and<00:02:56.560> so<00:02:57.000> I<00:02:57.159> thought<00:02:57.400> you<00:02:57.519> know<00:02:57.760> what<00:02:58.200> this<00:02:58.319> is and so I thought you know what this is and so I thought you know what this is the<00:02:58.599> career<00:02:58.840> for<00:02:59.040> me<00:02:59.480> because<00:02:59.920> I<00:03:00.040> am the career for me because I am the career for me because I am interested<00:03:00.599> in<00:03:00.720> some<00:03:00.920> messy<00:03:01.319> topics<00:03:02.200> but<00:03:02.360> I interested in some messy topics but I interested in some messy topics but I want<00:03:02.640> to<00:03:02.800> be<00:03:02.920> able<00:03:03.159> to<00:03:03.319> make<00:03:03.519> them<00:03:03.959> not<00:03:04.519> messy<00:03:05.519> I want to be able to make them not messy I want to be able to make them not messy I want<00:03:05.799> to<00:03:06.400> understand<00:03:06.599> them<00:03:06.840> I<00:03:06.920> want<00:03:07.080> to<00:03:07.360> hack want to understand them I want to hack want to understand them I want to hack into<00:03:08.080> these<00:03:08.280> things<00:03:08.640> that<00:03:08.799> I<00:03:08.920> know<00:03:09.120> are into these things that I know are into these things that I know are important<00:03:10.440> and<00:03:10.560> lay<00:03:10.799> the<00:03:10.920> code<00:03:11.159> out<00:03:11.319> for important and lay the code out for important and lay the code out for everyone<00:03:11.879> to<00:03:12.159> see<00:03:13.159> so<00:03:13.360> where<00:03:13.519> I<00:03:13.680> started<00:03:14.519> was everyone to see so where I started was everyone to see so where I started was with<00:03:15.000> connection<00:03:16.000> because<00:03:16.640> by<00:03:16.799> the<00:03:16.920> time with connection because by the time with connection because by the time you're<00:03:17.239> a<00:03:17.360> social<00:03:17.599> worker<00:03:17.879> for<00:03:18.599> 10<00:03:18.920> years<00:03:19.319> what you're a social worker for 10 years what you're a social worker for 10 years what you<00:03:20.000> realize<00:03:21.000> is<00:03:21.319> that<00:03:21.959> connection<00:03:22.400> is<00:03:22.599> why you realize is that connection is why you realize is that connection is why we're<00:03:23.000> here<00:03:24.000> it's<00:03:24.159> what<00:03:24.360> gives<00:03:24.640> purpose<00:03:24.920> and we're here it's what gives purpose and we're here it's what gives purpose and meaning<00:03:25.360> to<00:03:25.560> our meaning to our meaning to our lives<00:03:27.319> this<00:03:27.480> is<00:03:27.799> this<00:03:27.920> is<00:03:28.080> what<00:03:28.200> it's<00:03:28.360> all lives this is this is what it's all lives this is this is what it's all about<00:03:28.920> it<00:03:29.040> doesn't<00:03:29.239> matter<00:03:29.439> whether<00:03:29.599> you<00:03:29.840> talk about it doesn't matter whether you talk about it doesn't matter whether you talk to<00:03:30.120> people<00:03:30.280> who<00:03:30.400> work<00:03:30.560> in<00:03:30.720> social<00:03:31.000> justice<00:03:31.360> and to people who work in social justice and to people who work in social justice and mental<00:03:31.879> health<00:03:32.599> and<00:03:32.799> abuse<00:03:33.080> and<00:03:33.239> neglect<00:03:33.840> what mental health and abuse and neglect what mental health and abuse and neglect what we<00:03:34.120> know<00:03:34.840> is<00:03:35.000> that<00:03:35.280> connection<00:03:36.120> the<00:03:36.280> ability we know is that connection the ability we know is that connection the ability to<00:03:36.680> feel to feel to feel connected<00:03:39.040> is<00:03:40.200> neurobiologically<00:03:41.200> that's connected is neurobiologically that's connected is neurobiologically that's how<00:03:41.519> we're<00:03:41.680> wired<00:03:42.080> it's<00:03:42.280> why<00:03:42.439> we're<00:03:42.720> here<00:03:43.400> so<00:03:43.560> I how we're wired it's why we're here so I how we're wired it's why we're here so I thought<00:03:43.879> you<00:03:43.959> know<00:03:44.120> what<00:03:44.239> I'm<00:03:44.319> going<00:03:44.439> to<00:03:44.560> start thought you know what I'm going to start thought you know what I'm going to start with with with connection<00:03:47.120> well<00:03:47.280> you<00:03:47.360> know<00:03:47.640> that<00:03:48.400> that connection well you know that that connection well you know that that situation<00:03:49.040> where<00:03:49.200> you<00:03:49.319> get<00:03:49.439> an<00:03:49.599> evaluation situation where you get an evaluation situation where you get an evaluation from<00:03:50.360> your<00:03:50.760> boss<00:03:51.760> and<00:03:52.000> she<00:03:52.159> tells<00:03:52.400> you<00:03:52.560> 37 from your boss and she tells you 37 from your boss and she tells you 37 things<00:03:53.239> that<00:03:53.360> you<00:03:53.439> do<00:03:53.599> really<00:03:53.920> awesome<00:03:54.280> and things that you do really awesome and things that you do really awesome and one<00:03:54.640> thing<00:03:54.840> that<00:03:54.920> you<00:03:55.079> can't<00:03:55.280> you<00:03:55.360> know<00:03:55.480> an one thing that you can't you know an one thing that you can't you know an opportunity<00:03:56.079> for opportunity for opportunity for growth<00:03:58.200> um<00:03:59.200> and<00:03:59.360> all<00:03:59.480> you<00:03:59.879> think<00:04:00.040> about<00:04:00.239> is growth um and all you think about is growth um and all you think about is that<00:04:00.560> opportunity<00:04:00.959> for<00:04:01.159> growth<00:04:01.920> right<00:04:02.840> well that opportunity for growth right well that opportunity for growth right well apparently<00:04:03.840> this<00:04:03.959> is<00:04:04.120> the<00:04:04.239> way<00:04:04.439> my<00:04:04.560> work<00:04:04.760> went apparently this is the way my work went apparently this is the way my work went as<00:04:05.319> well<00:04:05.720> because<00:04:06.280> when<00:04:06.439> you<00:04:06.760> ask<00:04:07.079> people as well because when you ask people as well because when you ask people about<00:04:07.840> love<00:04:08.840> they<00:04:09.000> tell<00:04:09.200> you<00:04:09.439> about about love they tell you about about love they tell you about heartbreak<00:04:10.400> when<00:04:10.519> you<00:04:10.680> ask<00:04:10.959> people<00:04:11.360> about heartbreak when you ask people about heartbreak when you ask people about belonging<00:04:13.120> they'll<00:04:13.319> tell<00:04:13.480> you<00:04:13.640> their<00:04:13.799> most belonging they'll tell you their most belonging they'll tell you their most excruciating<00:04:15.000> experiences<00:04:15.760> of<00:04:15.959> being excruciating experiences of being excruciating experiences of being excluded<00:04:17.160> and<00:04:17.280> when<00:04:17.400> you<00:04:17.560> ask<00:04:17.840> people<00:04:18.199> about excluded and when you ask people about excluded and when you ask people about connection<00:04:19.639> the<00:04:19.759> stories<00:04:20.199> they<00:04:20.320> told<00:04:20.560> me<00:04:20.720> were connection the stories they told me were connection the stories they told me were about about about disconnection<00:04:23.199> so<00:04:23.479> very<00:04:23.840> quickly<00:04:24.160> really disconnection so very quickly really disconnection so very quickly really about<00:04:24.639> six<00:04:24.880> weeks<00:04:25.120> into<00:04:25.360> this<00:04:25.520> research<00:04:26.080> I<00:04:26.240> ran about six weeks into this research I ran about six weeks into this research I ran into<00:04:27.080> this<00:04:27.320> unnamed<00:04:28.000> thing<00:04:28.960> that<00:04:29.199> absolutely into this unnamed thing that absolutely into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled unraveled unraveled Connection<00:04:32.240> in<00:04:32.360> a<00:04:32.520> way<00:04:32.680> that<00:04:32.840> I<00:04:32.919> didn't Connection in a way that I didn't Connection in a way that I didn't understand<00:04:33.639> or<00:04:33.800> had<00:04:33.960> never<00:04:34.240> seen<00:04:35.240> and<00:04:35.360> so<00:04:35.560> I understand or had never seen and so I understand or had never seen and so I pulled<00:04:35.960> back<00:04:36.080> out<00:04:36.199> of<00:04:36.320> the<00:04:36.440> research<00:04:36.800> and pulled back out of the research and pulled back out of the research and thought<00:04:37.120> I<00:04:37.199> need<00:04:37.320> to<00:04:37.440> figure<00:04:37.680> out<00:04:37.880> what<00:04:38.039> this thought I need to figure out what this thought I need to figure out what this is<00:04:39.520> and<00:04:39.880> it<00:04:40.000> turned<00:04:40.280> out<00:04:40.479> to<00:04:40.639> be is and it turned out to be is and it turned out to be shame<00:04:43.280> and<00:04:43.400> shame<00:04:43.680> is<00:04:43.840> really<00:04:44.080> easily shame and shame is really easily shame and shame is really easily understood<00:04:45.160> as<00:04:45.280> the<00:04:45.400> fear<00:04:45.720> of<00:04:46.320> disconnection understood as the fear of disconnection understood as the fear of disconnection is<00:04:47.479> there<00:04:47.720> something<00:04:48.160> about<00:04:48.560> me<00:04:49.280> that<00:04:49.400> if is there something about me that if is there something about me that if other<00:04:49.800> people<00:04:50.039> know<00:04:50.280> it<00:04:50.400> or<00:04:50.600> see<00:04:50.919> it<00:04:51.919> that<00:04:52.199> I other people know it or see it that I other people know it or see it that I won't<00:04:53.759> be<00:04:53.960> worthy<00:04:54.280> of<00:04:54.639> connection<00:04:55.639> the<00:04:55.759> things won't be worthy of connection the things won't be worthy of connection the things I<00:04:56.080> can<00:04:56.240> tell<00:04:56.360> you<00:04:56.520> about<00:04:56.680> it<00:04:56.800> it's<00:04:57.000> Universal I can tell you about it it's Universal I can tell you about it it's Universal we<00:04:58.000> all<00:04:58.199> have<00:04:58.320> it<00:04:58.479> the<00:04:58.560> only<00:04:58.759> people<00:04:58.919> who<00:04:59.039> don't we all have it the only people who don't we all have it the only people who don't experience<00:04:59.720> shame<00:04:59.960> have<00:05:00.120> no<00:05:00.320> capacity<00:05:00.720> for experience shame have no capacity for experience shame have no capacity for human<00:05:01.720> empathy<00:05:02.120> or<00:05:02.520> connection<00:05:03.520> no<00:05:03.600> one<00:05:03.759> wants human empathy or connection no one wants human empathy or connection no one wants to<00:05:04.160> talk<00:05:04.360> about<00:05:04.520> it<00:05:04.680> and<00:05:04.800> the<00:05:04.919> less<00:05:05.080> you<00:05:05.199> talk to talk about it and the less you talk to talk about it and the less you talk about<00:05:05.479> it<00:05:05.600> the<00:05:05.720> more<00:05:05.880> you<00:05:06.000> have

it<00:05:09.240> what<00:05:10.360> underpinned<00:05:11.360> this<00:05:11.560> shame<00:05:12.240> this<00:05:12.479> I'm it what underpinned this shame this I'm it what underpinned this shame this I'm not<00:05:12.960> good<00:05:13.320> enough<00:05:14.320> which<00:05:14.479> we<00:05:14.600> all<00:05:14.759> know<00:05:15.039> that not good enough which we all know that not good enough which we all know that feeling<00:05:15.680> I'm<00:05:15.840> not<00:05:16.000> blank<00:05:16.360> enough<00:05:16.720> I'm<00:05:16.840> not feeling I'm not blank enough I'm not feeling I'm not blank enough I'm not thin<00:05:17.280> enough<00:05:17.520> Rich<00:05:17.720> enough<00:05:17.919> beautiful<00:05:18.280> enough thin enough Rich enough beautiful enough thin enough Rich enough beautiful enough smart<00:05:18.840> enough<00:05:19.479> promoted<00:05:20.440> enough<00:05:21.440> um<00:05:21.720> the smart enough promoted enough um the smart enough promoted enough um the thing<00:05:21.960> that<00:05:22.120> underpinned<00:05:22.800> this<00:05:23.400> was thing that underpinned this was thing that underpinned this was excruciating excruciating excruciating vulnerability<00:05:27.039> this vulnerability this vulnerability this idea<00:05:29.080> of<00:05:29.319> an<00:05:29.759> order<00:05:29.919> for<00:05:30.080> connection<00:05:30.520> to idea of an order for connection to idea of an order for connection to happen<00:05:31.319> we<00:05:31.520> have<00:05:31.639> to<00:05:31.840> allow<00:05:32.120> ourselves<00:05:32.560> to<00:05:32.720> be happen we have to allow ourselves to be happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen<00:05:33.880> really seen really seen really seen<00:05:36.280> and<00:05:36.479> you<00:05:36.639> know<00:05:36.800> how<00:05:36.919> I<00:05:37.000> feel<00:05:37.199> about seen and you know how I feel about seen and you know how I feel about vulnerability<00:05:38.000> I<00:05:38.120> hate<00:05:38.319> vulnerability<00:05:39.080> and vulnerability I hate vulnerability and vulnerability I hate vulnerability and so<00:05:39.600> I<00:05:39.720> thought<00:05:40.080> this<00:05:40.160> is<00:05:40.360> my<00:05:40.600> chance<00:05:41.160> to<00:05:41.400> beat so I thought this is my chance to beat so I thought this is my chance to beat it<00:05:41.880> back<00:05:42.240> with<00:05:42.360> my<00:05:42.520> measuring<00:05:43.000> stick<00:05:43.880> I'm it back with my measuring stick I'm it back with my measuring stick I'm going<00:05:44.319> in<00:05:45.319> I'm<00:05:45.440> going<00:05:45.560> to<00:05:45.680> figure<00:05:45.960> this<00:05:46.120> stuff going in I'm going to figure this stuff going in I'm going to figure this stuff out<00:05:46.600> I'm<00:05:46.680> going<00:05:46.800> to<00:05:46.880> spend<00:05:47.120> a<00:05:47.280> year<00:05:48.080> I'm<00:05:48.160> going out I'm going to spend a year I'm going out I'm going to spend a year I'm going to<00:05:48.479> totally<00:05:48.800> deconstruct<00:05:49.440> shame<00:05:49.919> I'm<00:05:50.000> going to totally deconstruct shame I'm going to totally deconstruct shame I'm going to<00:05:50.479> understand<00:05:50.600> how<00:05:50.759> vulnerability<00:05:51.319> works to understand how vulnerability works to understand how vulnerability works and<00:05:52.080> I'm<00:05:52.199> going<00:05:52.319> to<00:05:52.440> outsmart and I'm going to outsmart and I'm going to outsmart it<00:05:54.720> so<00:05:54.919> I<00:05:55.039> was<00:05:55.240> ready<00:05:55.600> and<00:05:55.720> I<00:05:55.840> was<00:05:56.000> really it so I was ready and I was really it so I was ready and I was really excited

as<00:06:00.479> you<00:06:00.600> know<00:06:00.759> it's<00:06:00.840> not<00:06:00.960> going<00:06:01.039> to<00:06:01.120> turn<00:06:01.280> out as you know it's not going to turn out as you know it's not going to turn out well

um<00:06:05.080> you<00:06:05.240> know<00:06:05.639> this<00:06:06.639> so<00:06:06.800> I<00:06:06.919> could<00:06:07.039> tell<00:06:07.160> you<00:06:07.280> a um you know this so I could tell you a um you know this so I could tell you a lot<00:06:07.520> about<00:06:07.759> shame<00:06:08.360> but<00:06:08.479> I'd<00:06:08.639> have<00:06:08.720> to<00:06:08.800> borrow lot about shame but I'd have to borrow lot about shame but I'd have to borrow everyone<00:06:09.319> else's<00:06:09.680> time<00:06:10.639> but<00:06:10.759> here's<00:06:10.960> what<00:06:11.120> I everyone else's time but here's what I everyone else's time but here's what I can<00:06:11.319> tell<00:06:11.440> you<00:06:11.560> that<00:06:11.680> it<00:06:11.759> boils<00:06:12.160> down<00:06:12.560> to<00:06:13.560> and can tell you that it boils down to and can tell you that it boils down to and this<00:06:13.840> may<00:06:14.000> be<00:06:14.160> one<00:06:14.240> of<00:06:14.319> the<00:06:14.440> most<00:06:14.639> important this may be one of the most important this may be one of the most important things<00:06:15.199> that<00:06:15.319> I've<00:06:15.479> ever<00:06:15.720> learned<00:06:16.160> in<00:06:16.319> the things that I've ever learned in the things that I've ever learned in the decade<00:06:16.720> of<00:06:16.840> doing<00:06:17.080> this decade of doing this decade of doing this research<00:06:20.199> my<00:06:20.400> one<00:06:20.639> year<00:06:20.840> has<00:06:21.000> turned<00:06:21.400> into<00:06:22.400> six research my one year has turned into six research my one year has turned into six years<00:06:24.440> thousands<00:06:24.919> of<00:06:25.199> stories<00:06:26.199> hundreds<00:06:26.639> of years thousands of stories hundreds of years thousands of stories hundreds of long<00:06:27.080> interviews<00:06:27.840> focused<00:06:28.280> groups<00:06:29.039> at<00:06:29.160> one long interviews focused groups at one long interviews focused groups at one point<00:06:29.639> people<00:06:29.800> were<00:06:29.960> sending<00:06:30.240> me<00:06:30.400> journal point people were sending me journal point people were sending me journal pages<00:06:31.199> and<00:06:31.319> sending<00:06:31.599> me<00:06:31.759> their<00:06:32.000> stories<00:06:33.000> um pages and sending me their stories um pages and sending me their stories um thousands<00:06:33.680> of<00:06:33.840> pieces<00:06:34.120> of thousands of pieces of thousands of pieces of data<00:06:35.880> um<00:06:36.240> and<00:06:36.440> six<00:06:36.759> years<00:06:37.319> and<00:06:37.479> I<00:06:37.639> kind<00:06:37.759> of<00:06:37.880> got data um and six years and I kind of got data um and six years and I kind of got a<00:06:38.120> handle<00:06:38.479> on<00:06:38.599> it<00:06:38.919> I<00:06:39.039> kind<00:06:39.120> of<00:06:39.280> understood<00:06:39.800> this a handle on it I kind of understood this a handle on it I kind of understood this is<00:06:40.039> what<00:06:40.160> shame<00:06:40.520> is<00:06:40.759> this<00:06:40.880> is<00:06:41.039> how<00:06:41.199> it is what shame is this is how it is what shame is this is how it works<00:06:43.479> I<00:06:43.560> wrote<00:06:43.800> a<00:06:43.960> book<00:06:44.960> I<00:06:45.479> published<00:06:45.800> a works I wrote a book I published a works I wrote a book I published a theory<00:06:46.960> but<00:06:47.160> something<00:06:47.520> was<00:06:47.720> not<00:06:48.240> okay<00:06:49.160> um<00:06:49.800> and theory but something was not okay um and theory but something was not okay um and what<00:06:50.120> it<00:06:50.319> was<00:06:50.599> is<00:06:50.759> that<00:06:50.960> if<00:06:51.080> I<00:06:51.240> roughly<00:06:51.639> took what it was is that if I roughly took what it was is that if I roughly took the<00:06:52.039> people<00:06:52.280> I<00:06:52.919> interviewed<00:06:53.919> and<00:06:54.120> divided the people I interviewed and divided the people I interviewed and divided them<00:06:54.680> into them into them into people<00:06:57.560> who<00:06:58.560> really<00:06:59.120> have<00:06:59.240> a<00:06:59.319> sense<00:06:59.720> of people who really have a sense of people who really have a sense of worthiness<00:07:00.360> that's<00:07:00.479> what<00:07:00.639> this<00:07:00.759> comes<00:07:01.000> down worthiness that's what this comes down worthiness that's what this comes down to<00:07:01.440> a<00:07:01.560> sense<00:07:01.759> of<00:07:02.400> worthiness<00:07:03.400> they<00:07:03.560> have<00:07:03.720> a to a sense of worthiness they have a to a sense of worthiness they have a strong<00:07:04.440> sense<00:07:04.639> of<00:07:04.800> love<00:07:04.919> and<00:07:05.639> belonging<00:07:06.639> and strong sense of love and belonging and strong sense of love and belonging and folks<00:07:07.080> who<00:07:07.240> struggle<00:07:07.639> for<00:07:07.879> it<00:07:08.240> and<00:07:08.440> folks<00:07:08.680> who folks who struggle for it and folks who folks who struggle for it and folks who are<00:07:09.080> always<00:07:09.560> wondering<00:07:09.960> if<00:07:10.080> they're<00:07:10.280> good are always wondering if they're good are always wondering if they're good enough<00:07:11.400> there<00:07:11.560> was<00:07:11.759> only<00:07:12.080> one<00:07:12.360> variable<00:07:12.800> that enough there was only one variable that enough there was only one variable that separated<00:07:13.440> the<00:07:13.639> people<00:07:13.960> who<00:07:14.199> have<00:07:14.319> a<00:07:14.560> strong separated the people who have a strong separated the people who have a strong sense<00:07:14.919> of<00:07:15.080> love<00:07:15.199> and<00:07:15.440> belonging<00:07:16.440> and<00:07:16.639> the sense of love and belonging and the sense of love and belonging and the people<00:07:17.080> who<00:07:17.360> really<00:07:17.520> struggle<00:07:17.919> for<00:07:18.120> it<00:07:18.720> and people who really struggle for it and people who really struggle for it and that<00:07:19.080> was<00:07:19.319> the<00:07:19.479> people<00:07:19.720> who<00:07:19.879> have<00:07:20.039> a<00:07:20.280> strong that was the people who have a strong that was the people who have a strong sense<00:07:20.599> of<00:07:20.759> love<00:07:20.879> and<00:07:21.520> belonging<00:07:22.520> believe sense of love and belonging believe sense of love and belonging believe they're<00:07:23.360> worthy<00:07:23.720> of<00:07:23.879> love<00:07:24.000> and<00:07:24.680> belonging they're worthy of love and belonging they're worthy of love and belonging that's that's that's it<00:07:27.639> they<00:07:27.759> believe<00:07:28.039> they're<00:07:28.240> Worthy it they believe they're Worthy it they believe they're Worthy and<00:07:31.000> to<00:07:31.240> me<00:07:31.560> the<00:07:31.759> hard<00:07:32.240> part and to me the hard part and to me the hard part of<00:07:34.680> the<00:07:34.840> one<00:07:35.080> thing<00:07:35.280> that<00:07:35.440> keeps<00:07:35.639> us<00:07:35.800> out<00:07:35.919> of of the one thing that keeps us out of of the one thing that keeps us out of connection<00:07:36.639> is<00:07:36.759> our<00:07:36.919> fear<00:07:37.160> that<00:07:37.280> we're<00:07:37.479> not connection is our fear that we're not connection is our fear that we're not worthy<00:07:37.919> of worthy of worthy of connection<00:07:39.879> was<00:07:40.120> something<00:07:40.400> that<00:07:40.560> personally connection was something that personally connection was something that personally and<00:07:41.120> professionally<00:07:41.599> I<00:07:41.720> felt<00:07:41.919> like<00:07:42.039> I<00:07:42.120> needed and professionally I felt like I needed and professionally I felt like I needed to<00:07:42.840> understand to understand to understand better<00:07:44.879> so<00:07:45.080> what<00:07:45.199> I better so what I better so what I did<00:07:47.000> is<00:07:47.840> I<00:07:48.560> took<00:07:48.840> all<00:07:49.000> of<00:07:49.120> the<00:07:49.240> interviews did is I took all of the interviews did is I took all of the interviews where<00:07:49.879> I<00:07:50.000> saw<00:07:50.240> worthiness<00:07:50.840> where<00:07:51.000> I<00:07:51.080> saw where I saw worthiness where I saw where I saw worthiness where I saw people<00:07:51.599> living<00:07:51.919> that<00:07:52.080> way<00:07:52.720> and<00:07:53.000> just<00:07:53.319> looked people living that way and just looked people living that way and just looked at<00:07:54.479> those<00:07:55.479> what<00:07:55.639> do<00:07:55.919> these<00:07:56.159> people<00:07:56.599> have<00:07:56.800> in at those what do these people have in at those what do these people have in common<00:07:57.520> and<00:07:57.639> I<00:07:57.840> have<00:07:58.159> I<00:07:58.280> have<00:07:58.360> a<00:07:58.520> slight<00:07:58.919> office common and I have I have a slight office common and I have I have a slight office apply<00:07:59.759> addiction<00:08:00.240> but<00:08:00.479> it's<00:08:00.720> another<00:08:01.080> talk<00:08:01.560> um apply addiction but it's another talk um apply addiction but it's another talk um so<00:08:02.240> I<00:08:02.319> had<00:08:02.440> a<00:08:02.520> manila<00:08:02.919> notebook<00:08:03.400> a<00:08:03.639> manila so I had a manila notebook a manila so I had a manila notebook a manila folder<00:08:04.319> and<00:08:04.400> I<00:08:04.520> had<00:08:04.599> a<00:08:04.800> Sharpie<00:08:05.800> and<00:08:06.199> I<00:08:06.319> was folder and I had a Sharpie and I was folder and I had a Sharpie and I was like<00:08:06.639> what<00:08:06.759> am<00:08:06.840> I<00:08:06.960> going<00:08:07.039> to<00:08:07.159> call<00:08:07.360> this like what am I going to call this like what am I going to call this research<00:08:07.879> and<00:08:08.039> the<00:08:08.199> first<00:08:08.440> words<00:08:08.720> that<00:08:08.879> came research and the first words that came research and the first words that came to<00:08:09.199> my<00:08:09.360> mind<00:08:09.639> were to my mind were to my mind were wholehearted<00:08:11.840> these<00:08:11.960> are<00:08:12.159> kind<00:08:12.319> of wholehearted these are kind of wholehearted these are kind of wholehearted<00:08:13.159> people<00:08:13.520> living<00:08:13.840> from<00:08:14.080> this wholehearted people living from this wholehearted people living from this deep<00:08:14.440> sense<00:08:14.639> of<00:08:14.800> worthiness<00:08:15.240> so<00:08:15.319> I<00:08:15.479> wrote<00:08:15.599> at deep sense of worthiness so I wrote at deep sense of worthiness so I wrote at the<00:08:15.800> top<00:08:15.919> of<00:08:16.000> the<00:08:16.080> manila the top of the manila the top of the manila folder<00:08:18.360> and<00:08:18.479> I<00:08:18.599> started<00:08:18.919> looking<00:08:19.120> at<00:08:19.240> the<00:08:19.360> data folder and I started looking at the data folder and I started looking at the data in<00:08:19.840> fact<00:08:20.319> I<00:08:20.400> did<00:08:20.560> it<00:08:20.919> first<00:08:21.319> in<00:08:21.479> this<00:08:21.680> very<00:08:22.120> four in fact I did it first in this very four in fact I did it first in this very four in<00:08:22.520> a in a in a 4-day<00:08:24.479> very<00:08:24.800> intensive<00:08:25.560> data<00:08:25.840> analysis<00:08:26.280> where 4-day very intensive data analysis where 4-day very intensive data analysis where I<00:08:26.520> went<00:08:26.759> back<00:08:27.000> pulled<00:08:27.280> these<00:08:27.400> interviews I went back pulled these interviews I went back pulled these interviews pulled<00:08:28.039> the<00:08:28.120> stories<00:08:28.400> pulled<00:08:28.639> the<00:08:28.720> incidents pulled the stories pulled the incidents pulled the stories pulled the incidents what's<00:08:29.720> the<00:08:29.960> what's<00:08:30.080> the<00:08:30.240> theme<00:08:30.520> what's<00:08:30.680> the what's the what's the theme what's the what's the what's the theme what's the pattern<00:08:32.479> my<00:08:32.640> husband<00:08:32.919> left<00:08:33.120> town<00:08:33.320> with<00:08:33.440> the pattern my husband left town with the pattern my husband left town with the kids<00:08:34.479> um<00:08:35.479> because<00:08:35.719> I<00:08:35.839> always<00:08:36.000> go<00:08:36.120> into<00:08:36.320> this kids um because I always go into this kids um because I always go into this kind<00:08:36.560> of<00:08:36.719> Jackson<00:08:37.159> poock<00:08:37.599> crazy<00:08:38.000> thing<00:08:38.320> where kind of Jackson poock crazy thing where kind of Jackson poock crazy thing where I'm<00:08:38.680> just<00:08:38.880> like<00:08:39.120> writing<00:08:39.680> and<00:08:39.880> and<00:08:40.039> going<00:08:40.360> and I'm just like writing and and going and I'm just like writing and and going and kind<00:08:40.719> of<00:08:40.880> just<00:08:41.000> in<00:08:41.120> my<00:08:41.279> researcher kind of just in my researcher kind of just in my researcher mode<00:08:43.760> and<00:08:43.880> so<00:08:44.080> here's<00:08:44.279> what<00:08:44.440> I

found<00:08:48.279> what<00:08:48.440> they<00:08:48.600> had<00:08:48.760> in<00:08:49.000> common<00:08:49.720> was<00:08:49.839> a found what they had in common was a found what they had in common was a sense<00:08:50.200> of<00:08:50.720> courage<00:08:51.720> and<00:08:51.839> I<00:08:51.920> want<00:08:52.040> to<00:08:52.320> separate sense of courage and I want to separate sense of courage and I want to separate courage<00:08:52.959> and<00:08:53.080> bravery<00:08:53.480> for<00:08:53.640> you<00:08:53.800> for<00:08:53.920> a<00:08:54.040> minute courage and bravery for you for a minute courage and bravery for you for a minute Courage<00:08:55.320> the<00:08:55.480> original<00:08:56.320> definition<00:08:56.720> of Courage the original definition of Courage the original definition of courage<00:08:57.399> when<00:08:57.480> it<00:08:57.600> first<00:08:57.760> came<00:08:57.880> into<00:08:58.040> the courage when it first came into the courage when it first came into the English<00:08:58.399> language<00:08:58.720> it's<00:08:58.839> from<00:08:58.959> the<00:08:59.040> Latin English language it's from the Latin English language it's from the Latin word<00:08:59.680> c<00:09:00.680> meaning<00:09:01.079> heart<00:09:01.720> and<00:09:01.839> the<00:09:01.959> original word c meaning heart and the original word c meaning heart and the original definition<00:09:02.800> was<00:09:02.920> to<00:09:03.079> tell<00:09:03.279> the<00:09:03.360> story<00:09:03.600> of<00:09:03.720> who definition was to tell the story of who definition was to tell the story of who you<00:09:04.000> are<00:09:04.240> with<00:09:04.320> your<00:09:04.480> whole you are with your whole you are with your whole heart<00:09:07.120> and<00:09:07.200> so<00:09:07.519> these<00:09:07.720> folks<00:09:08.240> had<00:09:08.720> very<00:09:08.959> simply heart and so these folks had very simply heart and so these folks had very simply the<00:09:09.640> courage<00:09:10.160> to<00:09:10.320> be

imperfect<00:09:13.760> they<00:09:13.959> had<00:09:14.120> the<00:09:14.680> compassion<00:09:15.680> to<00:09:15.839> be imperfect they had the compassion to be imperfect they had the compassion to be kind<00:09:16.320> to<00:09:16.640> themselves<00:09:17.079> first<00:09:17.640> and<00:09:17.760> then<00:09:17.920> to kind to themselves first and then to kind to themselves first and then to others<00:09:18.640> because<00:09:18.920> as<00:09:19.000> it<00:09:19.160> turns<00:09:19.440> out<00:09:19.959> we<00:09:20.120> can't others because as it turns out we can't others because as it turns out we can't practice<00:09:20.720> compassion<00:09:21.079> with<00:09:21.279> other<00:09:21.480> people<00:09:21.760> if practice compassion with other people if practice compassion with other people if we<00:09:22.040> can't<00:09:22.200> treat<00:09:22.440> ourselves<00:09:23.360> kindly<00:09:24.360> and<00:09:24.480> the we can't treat ourselves kindly and the we can't treat ourselves kindly and the last<00:09:24.959> was<00:09:25.160> they<00:09:25.360> had<00:09:25.839> connection<00:09:26.839> and<00:09:27.000> this last was they had connection and this last was they had connection and this was<00:09:27.240> the<00:09:27.399> hard<00:09:27.800> part<00:09:28.800> as<00:09:28.920> a<00:09:29.040> result<00:09:29.680> of was the hard part as a result of was the hard part as a result of authenticity<00:09:31.640> they<00:09:31.760> were<00:09:31.920> willing<00:09:32.200> to<00:09:32.320> let<00:09:32.519> go authenticity they were willing to let go authenticity they were willing to let go of<00:09:32.800> who<00:09:32.959> they<00:09:33.120> thought<00:09:33.320> they<00:09:33.480> should<00:09:33.959> be<00:09:34.959> in of who they thought they should be in of who they thought they should be in order<00:09:35.279> to<00:09:35.440> be<00:09:35.600> who<00:09:35.760> they<00:09:35.920> were<00:09:36.760> which<00:09:36.920> is<00:09:37.519> you order to be who they were which is you order to be who they were which is you have<00:09:37.959> to<00:09:38.600> absolutely<00:09:39.160> do<00:09:39.399> that<00:09:39.600> for

connection<00:09:43.440> the<00:09:43.600> other<00:09:43.880> thing<00:09:44.320> that<00:09:44.480> they<00:09:44.640> had connection the other thing that they had connection the other thing that they had in in in common<00:09:46.519> was

this<00:09:51.000> they<00:09:51.160> fully<00:09:51.560> embraced

vulnerability vulnerability vulnerability they<00:09:57.760> believed they believed they believed that<00:09:59.800> what<00:10:00.000> made<00:10:00.279> them<00:10:00.440> vulnerable<00:10:01.399> made<00:10:01.640> them

beautiful<00:10:06.279> they<00:10:06.440> didn't<00:10:07.079> talk<00:10:07.600> about beautiful they didn't talk about beautiful they didn't talk about vulnerability<00:10:08.760> being<00:10:09.160> comfortable<00:10:10.120> nor<00:10:10.320> did vulnerability being comfortable nor did vulnerability being comfortable nor did they<00:10:10.680> really<00:10:10.880> talk<00:10:11.120> about<00:10:11.279> it<00:10:11.440> being they really talk about it being they really talk about it being excruciating<00:10:12.600> as<00:10:12.720> I<00:10:12.800> had<00:10:12.959> heard<00:10:13.279> earlier<00:10:13.640> in excruciating as I had heard earlier in excruciating as I had heard earlier in the<00:10:13.800> shame<00:10:14.240> interviewing<00:10:15.240> they<00:10:15.519> just<00:10:15.800> talked the shame interviewing they just talked the shame interviewing they just talked about<00:10:16.320> it<00:10:16.480> being about it being about it being necessary<00:10:18.760> they<00:10:18.959> talked<00:10:19.279> about<00:10:19.600> the necessary they talked about the necessary they talked about the willingness<00:10:21.120> to<00:10:21.279> say<00:10:21.560> I<00:10:21.680> love<00:10:21.920> you willingness to say I love you willingness to say I love you first<00:10:24.480> the<00:10:24.600> willingness first the willingness first the willingness to<00:10:27.519> do<00:10:27.839> something<00:10:28.120> where<00:10:28.320> there<00:10:28.399> are<00:10:28.560> no to do something where there are no to do something where there are no guarantee

the the the willingness<00:10:33.240> to<00:10:33.480> breathe<00:10:33.920> through<00:10:34.240> waiting willingness to breathe through waiting willingness to breathe through waiting for<00:10:34.680> the<00:10:34.839> doctor<00:10:35.079> to<00:10:35.240> call<00:10:35.639> after<00:10:35.839> your for the doctor to call after your for the doctor to call after your mamogram<00:10:38.720> the<00:10:38.880> willing<00:10:39.160> to<00:10:39.519> invest<00:10:40.000> in<00:10:40.160> a mamogram the willing to invest in a mamogram the willing to invest in a relationship<00:10:42.000> that<00:10:42.120> may<00:10:42.279> or<00:10:42.440> may<00:10:42.600> not<00:10:42.800> work relationship that may or may not work relationship that may or may not work out<00:10:44.600> they<00:10:44.760> thought<00:10:45.000> this<00:10:45.120> was out they thought this was out they thought this was fundamental<00:10:47.680> I<00:10:47.920> personally<00:10:48.440> thought<00:10:48.720> it<00:10:48.880> was fundamental I personally thought it was fundamental I personally thought it was betrayal<00:10:51.200> um<00:10:51.440> I<00:10:51.560> could<00:10:51.720> not<00:10:51.959> believe<00:10:52.320> I<00:10:52.440> had betrayal um I could not believe I had betrayal um I could not believe I had pledged<00:10:52.959> allegiance<00:10:53.440> to pledged allegiance to pledged allegiance to research<00:10:55.519> where<00:10:55.720> our<00:10:56.040> job<00:10:56.399> you<00:10:56.480> know<00:10:56.639> the research where our job you know the research where our job you know the definition<00:10:57.120> of<00:10:57.279> research<00:10:57.680> is<00:10:57.800> to<00:10:58.000> control definition of research is to control definition of research is to control control<00:10:58.839> and<00:10:58.959> prict<00:10:59.519> to<00:10:59.600> study<00:10:59.920> phenomenon control and prict to study phenomenon control and prict to study phenomenon for<00:11:00.560> the<00:11:00.760> reason<00:11:01.000> for<00:11:01.160> the<00:11:01.680> explicit<00:11:02.079> reason for the reason for the explicit reason for the reason for the explicit reason to<00:11:02.560> control<00:11:02.959> and<00:11:03.320> predict<00:11:04.320> and<00:11:04.480> now<00:11:04.920> my<00:11:05.480> very to control and predict and now my very to control and predict and now my very you<00:11:06.600> know<00:11:06.880> my<00:11:07.040> mission<00:11:07.360> to<00:11:07.519> control<00:11:07.839> and you know my mission to control and you know my mission to control and predict<00:11:08.680> had<00:11:08.800> turned<00:11:09.040> up<00:11:09.200> the<00:11:09.360> answer<00:11:09.959> that predict had turned up the answer that predict had turned up the answer that the<00:11:10.240> way<00:11:10.360> to<00:11:10.519> live<00:11:10.639> is<00:11:10.760> with<00:11:11.240> vulnerability the way to live is with vulnerability the way to live is with vulnerability and<00:11:12.360> to<00:11:12.480> stop<00:11:12.720> controlling<00:11:13.079> and<00:11:13.440> predicting and to stop controlling and predicting and to stop controlling and predicting this<00:11:14.600> led this led this led to<00:11:16.920> a<00:11:17.079> little

breakdown<00:11:22.160> which<00:11:22.440> actually<00:11:23.399> looked<00:11:23.639> more breakdown which actually looked more breakdown which actually looked more like<00:11:24.079> this<00:11:25.560> um<00:11:26.560> and<00:11:26.720> it<00:11:26.920> did<00:11:27.440> it<00:11:27.560> led<00:11:27.760> to<00:11:28.120> a<00:11:28.519> I like this um and it did it led to a I like this um and it did it led to a I call<00:11:28.920> to<00:11:29.000> break<00:11:29.399> down<00:11:29.519> my<00:11:29.600> therapist<00:11:29.959> calls<00:11:30.120> it call to break down my therapist calls it call to break down my therapist calls it a<00:11:30.320> spiritual a spiritual a spiritual awakening<00:11:32.959> Spiritual<00:11:33.279> Awakening<00:11:33.600> sounds awakening Spiritual Awakening sounds awakening Spiritual Awakening sounds better<00:11:34.079> than<00:11:34.240> breakdown<00:11:34.720> but<00:11:34.839> I<00:11:34.959> assure<00:11:35.200> you better than breakdown but I assure you better than breakdown but I assure you it<00:11:35.440> was<00:11:35.560> a<00:11:35.800> breakdown<00:11:36.800> and<00:11:36.920> I<00:11:37.040> had<00:11:37.120> to<00:11:37.279> put<00:11:37.399> my it was a breakdown and I had to put my it was a breakdown and I had to put my data<00:11:37.760> away<00:11:38.240> and<00:11:38.399> go<00:11:38.560> find<00:11:38.720> a<00:11:38.839> therapist<00:11:39.200> let<00:11:39.320> me data away and go find a therapist let me data away and go find a therapist let me tell<00:11:39.519> you<00:11:39.639> something<00:11:40.279> you<00:11:40.440> know<00:11:40.800> who<00:11:41.040> you<00:11:41.200> are tell you something you know who you are tell you something you know who you are when<00:11:41.920> you<00:11:42.079> call<00:11:42.279> your<00:11:42.399> friends<00:11:42.680> and<00:11:42.839> say<00:11:43.160> I when you call your friends and say I when you call your friends and say I think<00:11:43.360> I<00:11:43.440> need<00:11:43.560> to<00:11:43.680> see<00:11:43.880> somebody<00:11:44.760> who<00:11:45.040> do<00:11:45.160> you think I need to see somebody who do you think I need to see somebody who do you have<00:11:45.440> any have any have any recommendations<00:11:47.680> because<00:11:47.839> about<00:11:48.040> five<00:11:48.200> of<00:11:48.279> my recommendations because about five of my recommendations because about five of my friends<00:11:48.560> are<00:11:48.680> like<00:11:49.000> woo<00:11:49.720> I<00:11:49.839> wouldn't<00:11:50.040> want<00:11:50.160> to friends are like woo I wouldn't want to friends are like woo I wouldn't want to be<00:11:50.360> your<00:11:50.959> therapist be your therapist be your therapist um<00:11:54.600> and<00:11:54.720> I<00:11:54.839> was<00:11:55.040> like<00:11:55.320> what<00:11:55.440> does<00:11:55.639> that<00:11:55.839> mean um and I was like what does that mean um and I was like what does that mean and<00:11:56.320> they're<00:11:56.600> like<00:11:56.959> I<00:11:57.160> they<00:11:57.320> just<00:11:57.480> saying<00:11:57.880> you and they're like I they just saying you and they're like I they just saying you know<00:11:58.399> like<00:11:59.720> don't<00:11:59.959> bring<00:12:00.160> your<00:12:00.320> measuring know like don't bring your measuring know like don't bring your measuring stick

uh uh uh okay<00:12:06.639> so<00:12:06.839> I<00:12:06.959> found<00:12:07.240> a<00:12:07.560> therapist<00:12:08.560> my<00:12:08.720> first okay so I found a therapist my first okay so I found a therapist my first meeting<00:12:09.360> with<00:12:09.519> her meeting with her meeting with her Diana<00:12:12.200> I<00:12:12.279> brought<00:12:12.519> in<00:12:12.720> my<00:12:12.880> list<00:12:13.120> of<00:12:13.279> the<00:12:13.360> way Diana I brought in my list of the way Diana I brought in my list of the way the<00:12:13.600> wholehearted<00:12:14.519> live<00:12:15.519> and<00:12:15.639> I<00:12:15.760> sat<00:12:16.079> down<00:12:16.680> and the wholehearted live and I sat down and the wholehearted live and I sat down and she<00:12:16.959> said<00:12:17.320> you<00:12:17.440> know<00:12:17.800> how<00:12:17.959> are<00:12:18.120> you<00:12:18.320> and<00:12:18.440> I<00:12:18.720> said she said you know how are you and I said she said you know how are you and I said I'm<00:12:20.000> great<00:12:20.279> you<00:12:20.399> know<00:12:20.639> I'm<00:12:21.079> I'm<00:12:21.240> I'm<00:12:21.480> okay<00:12:21.720> and I'm great you know I'm I'm I'm okay and I'm great you know I'm I'm I'm okay and she<00:12:21.920> said<00:12:22.199> what's<00:12:22.399> going<00:12:22.600> on<00:12:22.920> and<00:12:23.040> I<00:12:23.240> said<00:12:23.600> and she said what's going on and I said and she said what's going on and I said and this<00:12:23.800> is<00:12:23.920> a<00:12:24.079> therapist<00:12:24.519> who<00:12:24.639> sees<00:12:25.279> therapists this is a therapist who sees therapists this is a therapist who sees therapists because<00:12:26.920> we<00:12:27.120> have<00:12:27.240> to<00:12:27.399> go<00:12:27.519> to<00:12:27.760> those<00:12:28.160> because because we have to go to those because because we have to go to those because they're<00:12:29.240> yes<00:12:29.440> meters<00:12:29.800> are<00:12:30.760> good they're yes meters are good they're yes meters are good um<00:12:34.040> and<00:12:34.240> so<00:12:34.720> I<00:12:34.880> said<00:12:35.480> here's<00:12:35.760> the<00:12:35.920> thing<00:12:36.639> I'm um and so I said here's the thing I'm um and so I said here's the thing I'm struggling<00:12:37.639> and<00:12:37.760> she<00:12:37.880> said<00:12:38.079> what's<00:12:38.199> the struggling and she said what's the struggling and she said what's the struggle<00:12:38.639> and<00:12:38.760> I<00:12:38.839> said<00:12:39.560> well<00:12:40.560> I<00:12:40.680> have<00:12:40.760> a struggle and I said well I have a struggle and I said well I have a vulnerability<00:12:41.600> issue<00:12:42.480> and<00:12:42.720> you<00:12:42.839> know<00:12:43.000> and<00:12:43.120> I vulnerability issue and you know and I vulnerability issue and you know and I know<00:12:43.360> that<00:12:43.480> vulnerability<00:12:44.040> is<00:12:44.199> kind<00:12:44.320> of<00:12:44.440> the know that vulnerability is kind of the know that vulnerability is kind of the core<00:12:46.279> of<00:12:46.480> Shame<00:12:47.079> and<00:12:47.320> fear<00:12:48.160> and<00:12:48.279> our<00:12:48.399> struggle core of Shame and fear and our struggle core of Shame and fear and our struggle for<00:12:48.920> worthiness<00:12:49.639> but<00:12:49.760> it<00:12:49.920> appears<00:12:50.240> that<00:12:50.399> it's for worthiness but it appears that it's for worthiness but it appears that it's also<00:12:50.880> the<00:12:51.519> birthplace<00:12:52.519> of<00:12:52.760> joy<00:12:53.639> of also the birthplace of joy of also the birthplace of joy of creativity<00:12:55.399> of<00:12:55.639> belonging<00:12:56.440> of<00:12:56.880> love<00:12:57.880> and<00:12:58.120> I<00:12:58.279> I creativity of belonging of love and I I creativity of belonging of love and I I think<00:12:58.519> I<00:12:58.639> have<00:12:58.760> a<00:12:58.880> problem think I have a problem think I have a problem and<00:13:00.959> I<00:13:01.240> just<00:13:02.240> I<00:13:02.399> need<00:13:02.600> some<00:13:02.839> help<00:13:03.360> and<00:13:03.480> I<00:13:03.600> said and I just I need some help and I said and I just I need some help and I said but<00:13:03.959> here's<00:13:04.199> the<00:13:04.360> thing<00:13:04.920> no<00:13:05.240> family<00:13:05.760> stuff<00:13:06.519> no but here's the thing no family stuff no but here's the thing no family stuff no childhood<00:13:07.720> I childhood I childhood I just<00:13:09.959> I<00:13:10.480> just<00:13:11.600> need<00:13:12.600> some

[Music] [Music] [Music] strategies<00:13:21.160> thank<00:13:21.360> you strategies thank you strategies thank you um<00:13:24.320> so<00:13:24.519> she<00:13:24.760> goes<00:13:25.040> like<00:13:25.360> this

and<00:13:30.000> then<00:13:30.199> I<00:13:30.320> said<00:13:30.800> it's<00:13:31.040> bad<00:13:31.480> right<00:13:32.399> she<00:13:33.000> said and then I said it's bad right she said and then I said it's bad right she said it's<00:13:34.240> neither<00:13:34.600> good<00:13:34.800> nor it's neither good nor it's neither good nor bad<00:13:37.399> it<00:13:37.560> just<00:13:37.880> is<00:13:38.240> what<00:13:38.399> it<00:13:38.720> is<00:13:39.720> and<00:13:39.839> I<00:13:39.959> said<00:13:40.320> oh bad it just is what it is and I said oh bad it just is what it is and I said oh my<00:13:40.880> God<00:13:41.160> this<00:13:41.279> is<00:13:41.399> GNA<00:13:42.160> suck my God this is GNA suck my God this is GNA suck um<00:13:45.760> and<00:13:45.920> it<00:13:46.079> did<00:13:46.440> and<00:13:46.560> it<00:13:46.720> didn't<00:13:47.600> um<00:13:48.000> and<00:13:48.120> it um and it did and it didn't um and it um and it did and it didn't um and it took<00:13:48.440> about<00:13:48.639> a took about a took about a year<00:13:50.360> and<00:13:50.720> you<00:13:50.839> know<00:13:51.000> how<00:13:51.160> there<00:13:51.240> are<00:13:51.440> people year and you know how there are people year and you know how there are people that<00:13:51.920> like<00:13:52.079> when<00:13:52.199> they<00:13:52.360> realize<00:13:52.759> that that like when they realize that that like when they realize that vulnerability<00:13:54.199> and<00:13:54.399> tenderness<00:13:54.920> are vulnerability and tenderness are vulnerability and tenderness are important<00:13:56.040> that<00:13:56.199> they<00:13:56.360> kind<00:13:56.480> of<00:13:56.600> surrender important that they kind of surrender important that they kind of surrender and<00:13:57.279> walk<00:13:57.519> into<00:13:57.920> it<00:13:59.360> a<00:13:59.959> that's<00:14:00.160> not<00:14:00.360> me<00:14:01.320> and<00:14:01.480> B<00:14:01.720> I and walk into it a that's not me and B I and walk into it a that's not me and B I don't<00:14:01.920> even<00:14:02.160> hang<00:14:02.320> out<00:14:02.480> with<00:14:02.639> people<00:14:02.880> like don't even hang out with people like don't even hang out with people like that that that um<00:14:06.120> for<00:14:06.360> me<00:14:06.839> it<00:14:07.079> was<00:14:07.199> a<00:14:07.320> year-long<00:14:07.800> street um for me it was a year-long street um for me it was a year-long street fight<00:14:09.880> it<00:14:09.959> was<00:14:10.120> a<00:14:10.399> slugfest<00:14:11.399> vulnerability fight it was a slugfest vulnerability fight it was a slugfest vulnerability pushed<00:14:12.440> I<00:14:12.560> pushed<00:14:12.920> back<00:14:13.720> I pushed I pushed back I pushed I pushed back I lost<00:14:15.560> um<00:14:15.720> the<00:14:15.880> fight<00:14:16.279> but<00:14:16.800> probably<00:14:17.079> won<00:14:17.360> my lost um the fight but probably won my lost um the fight but probably won my life<00:14:17.880> back<00:14:18.880> and<00:14:19.000> so<00:14:19.279> then<00:14:19.399> I<00:14:19.519> went<00:14:19.720> back<00:14:19.880> into life back and so then I went back into life back and so then I went back into the<00:14:20.240> research<00:14:20.639> and<00:14:20.759> spent<00:14:21.000> the<00:14:21.120> next<00:14:21.320> couple the research and spent the next couple the research and spent the next couple of<00:14:21.720> years<00:14:22.560> really<00:14:22.880> trying<00:14:23.199> to<00:14:23.720> understand of years really trying to understand of years really trying to understand what<00:14:24.199> they<00:14:24.399> the<00:14:24.839> wholehearted<00:14:25.839> um<00:14:26.199> what<00:14:26.399> the what they the wholehearted um what the what they the wholehearted um what the choices<00:14:26.880> they<00:14:27.000> were<00:14:27.160> making<00:14:27.519> and<00:14:27.880> and<00:14:28.199> what choices they were making and and what choices they were making and and what what<00:14:28.839> is<00:14:29.320> what<00:14:29.519> what<00:14:29.639> are<00:14:29.759> we<00:14:29.920> doing<00:14:30.199> with what is what what are we doing with what is what what are we doing with vulnerability<00:14:31.759> why<00:14:32.560> do<00:14:32.720> we<00:14:32.880> struggle<00:14:33.279> with<00:14:33.399> it vulnerability why do we struggle with it vulnerability why do we struggle with it so<00:14:33.680> much<00:14:33.880> am<00:14:34.000> I<00:14:34.120> alone<00:14:34.440> in<00:14:34.560> struggling<00:14:34.959> with so much am I alone in struggling with so much am I alone in struggling with vulnerability<00:14:37.560> no<00:14:38.560> so<00:14:38.920> this<00:14:39.040> is<00:14:39.199> what<00:14:39.320> I vulnerability no so this is what I vulnerability no so this is what I learned<00:14:42.000> we<00:14:42.199> numb learned we numb learned we numb vulnerability<00:14:44.720> when<00:14:44.880> we're<00:14:45.079> waiting<00:14:45.360> for<00:14:45.480> the vulnerability when we're waiting for the vulnerability when we're waiting for the call<00:14:46.399> it<00:14:46.480> was<00:14:46.600> funny<00:14:46.920> I<00:14:47.000> sent<00:14:47.199> something<00:14:47.440> out call it was funny I sent something out call it was funny I sent something out on<00:14:47.800> Twitter<00:14:48.279> and<00:14:48.399> on<00:14:48.600> Facebook<00:14:49.040> that<00:14:49.160> says<00:14:49.480> how on Twitter and on Facebook that says how on Twitter and on Facebook that says how would<00:14:49.720> you<00:14:49.839> define<00:14:50.160> vulnerability<00:14:50.800> what would you define vulnerability what would you define vulnerability what makes<00:14:51.079> you<00:14:51.160> feel<00:14:51.360> vulnerable<00:14:52.120> and<00:14:52.240> within<00:14:52.480> an makes you feel vulnerable and within an makes you feel vulnerable and within an hour<00:14:52.800> and<00:14:52.920> a<00:14:53.079> half<00:14:53.240> I<00:14:53.360> had<00:14:53.639> 150 hour and a half I had 150 hour and a half I had 150 responses<00:14:56.199> um<00:14:56.519> because<00:14:56.680> I<00:14:56.759> wanted<00:14:57.000> to<00:14:57.120> know responses um because I wanted to know responses um because I wanted to know you<00:14:57.480> know<00:14:58.040> what's<00:14:58.240> out<00:14:58.519> there

having<00:15:01.600> to<00:15:01.759> ask<00:15:01.959> my<00:15:02.120> husband<00:15:02.440> for<00:15:02.639> help having to ask my husband for help having to ask my husband for help because<00:15:03.120> I'm<00:15:03.279> sick<00:15:03.560> and<00:15:03.680> we're<00:15:03.839> newly<00:15:04.440> married because I'm sick and we're newly married because I'm sick and we're newly married um<00:15:06.399> initiating<00:15:07.040> sex<00:15:07.320> with<00:15:07.480> my<00:15:07.639> husband um initiating sex with my husband um initiating sex with my husband initiating<00:15:08.920> sex<00:15:09.199> with<00:15:09.399> my<00:15:10.079> wife<00:15:11.079> being<00:15:11.320> turned initiating sex with my wife being turned initiating sex with my wife being turned down<00:15:12.199> asking<00:15:12.560> someone<00:15:13.120> out<00:15:14.120> waiting<00:15:14.399> for<00:15:14.560> the down asking someone out waiting for the down asking someone out waiting for the doctor<00:15:15.000> to<00:15:15.120> call<00:15:15.399> back<00:15:16.160> getting<00:15:16.440> laid<00:15:16.759> off doctor to call back getting laid off doctor to call back getting laid off laying<00:15:17.519> off<00:15:17.800> people<00:15:18.519> this<00:15:18.639> is<00:15:18.800> the<00:15:18.959> world<00:15:19.240> we laying off people this is the world we laying off people this is the world we live<00:15:20.000> in<00:15:21.000> we<00:15:21.160> live<00:15:21.320> in<00:15:21.440> a<00:15:21.600> vulnerable<00:15:22.519> World<00:15:23.519> um live in we live in a vulnerable World um live in we live in a vulnerable World um and<00:15:24.199> one<00:15:24.320> of<00:15:24.440> the<00:15:24.560> ways<00:15:24.800> we<00:15:24.959> deal<00:15:25.199> with<00:15:25.320> it<00:15:25.480> is and one of the ways we deal with it is and one of the ways we deal with it is we<00:15:25.759> numb we numb we numb vulnerability<00:15:27.920> and<00:15:28.160> I<00:15:28.240> think<00:15:28.399> there's vulnerability and I think there's vulnerability and I think there's evidence evidence evidence and<00:15:29.680> it's<00:15:29.839> not<00:15:29.959> the<00:15:30.079> only<00:15:30.279> reason<00:15:30.560> this and it's not the only reason this and it's not the only reason this evidence<00:15:31.079> exists<00:15:31.399> but<00:15:31.560> I<00:15:31.639> think<00:15:31.839> that<00:15:32.000> there evidence exists but I think that there evidence exists but I think that there it's<00:15:32.440> a<00:15:32.839> a<00:15:33.000> huge<00:15:33.360> cause<00:15:34.079> we it's a a huge cause we it's a a huge cause we are<00:15:35.759> the<00:15:35.920> most are the most are the most inbt inbt inbt obese obese obese addicted<00:15:42.560> and<00:15:42.759> medicated<00:15:43.519> adult<00:15:43.920> cohort<00:15:44.360> in addicted and medicated adult cohort in addicted and medicated adult cohort in US

history<00:15:48.440> the<00:15:48.680> problem<00:15:49.079> is<00:15:49.240> and<00:15:49.399> I<00:15:49.480> learned history the problem is and I learned history the problem is and I learned this<00:15:49.880> from<00:15:50.000> the this from the this from the research<00:15:51.759> that<00:15:51.959> you<00:15:52.199> cannot<00:15:52.560> selectively research that you cannot selectively research that you cannot selectively numb<00:15:54.399> emotion<00:15:55.399> you<00:15:55.600> can't<00:15:55.959> say<00:15:56.600> here's<00:15:56.880> the numb emotion you can't say here's the numb emotion you can't say here's the bad<00:15:57.440> stuff<00:15:58.440> here's<00:15:58.959> vulnerability<00:15:59.440> here's bad stuff here's vulnerability here's bad stuff here's vulnerability here's grief<00:16:00.040> here's<00:16:00.279> shame<00:16:00.720> here's<00:16:01.040> fear<00:16:01.399> here's grief here's shame here's fear here's grief here's shame here's fear here's disappointment<00:16:02.680> I<00:16:02.800> don't<00:16:03.040> want<00:16:03.160> to<00:16:03.360> feel disappointment I don't want to feel disappointment I don't want to feel these<00:16:04.639> I'm<00:16:04.720> going<00:16:04.839> to<00:16:04.959> have<00:16:05.079> a<00:16:05.199> couple<00:16:05.399> of these I'm going to have a couple of these I'm going to have a couple of beers<00:16:05.759> and<00:16:05.839> a<00:16:05.920> banana<00:16:06.279> nut

muffin<00:16:10.120> I<00:16:10.240> don't<00:16:10.480> want<00:16:10.600> to<00:16:10.800> feel<00:16:11.240> these<00:16:12.000> and<00:16:12.120> I muffin I don't want to feel these and I muffin I don't want to feel these and I know<00:16:12.480> that's<00:16:12.880> I<00:16:12.959> know<00:16:13.120> that's<00:16:13.279> knowing know that's I know that's knowing know that's I know that's knowing laughter<00:16:14.079> I<00:16:14.240> I<00:16:14.360> hacken<00:16:14.680> to<00:16:14.839> your<00:16:15.040> lives<00:16:15.240> for<00:16:15.399> a laughter I I hacken to your lives for a laughter I I hacken to your lives for a living<00:16:15.800> I<00:16:15.920> know<00:16:16.440> that's<00:16:17.519> god living I know that's god living I know that's god um<00:16:21.079> you<00:16:21.319> can't<00:16:21.639> numb<00:16:22.279> those<00:16:22.519> hard<00:16:22.959> feelings um you can't numb those hard feelings um you can't numb those hard feelings without<00:16:24.279> numbing<00:16:24.920> the<00:16:25.079> other<00:16:25.360> aects<00:16:25.800> or without numbing the other aects or without numbing the other aects or emotions<00:16:26.519> you<00:16:26.680> cannot<00:16:26.959> selectively<00:16:27.399> numb<00:16:27.880> so emotions you cannot selectively numb so emotions you cannot selectively numb so when<00:16:28.240> we<00:16:28.399> numb when we numb when we numb those<00:16:30.639> we<00:16:30.800> numb those we numb those we numb joy<00:16:33.199> we<00:16:33.360> numb<00:16:33.759> gratitude<00:16:34.560> we<00:16:34.720> numb joy we numb gratitude we numb joy we numb gratitude we numb happiness<00:16:37.360> and<00:16:37.600> then<00:16:38.399> we<00:16:38.720> are<00:16:39.639> miserable<00:16:40.319> and happiness and then we are miserable and happiness and then we are miserable and we<00:16:40.560> are<00:16:40.720> looking<00:16:40.920> for<00:16:41.120> purpose<00:16:41.399> and<00:16:41.560> meaning we are looking for purpose and meaning we are looking for purpose and meaning and<00:16:42.399> then<00:16:42.519> we<00:16:42.639> feel<00:16:42.880> vulnerable<00:16:43.319> so<00:16:43.519> then<00:16:43.639> we and then we feel vulnerable so then we and then we feel vulnerable so then we have<00:16:43.839> a<00:16:43.920> couple<00:16:44.120> of<00:16:44.199> beers<00:16:44.399> and<00:16:44.480> a<00:16:44.560> banana<00:16:44.920> that have a couple of beers and a banana that have a couple of beers and a banana that muffin<00:16:46.680> and<00:16:46.800> it<00:16:46.920> becomes<00:16:47.199> this<00:16:47.399> dangerous muffin and it becomes this dangerous muffin and it becomes this dangerous cycle cycle cycle um<00:16:51.199> one<00:16:51.319> of<00:16:51.440> the<00:16:51.639> things<00:16:52.639> that<00:16:52.880> I<00:16:53.000> think<00:16:53.160> that um one of the things that I think that um one of the things that I think that we<00:16:53.399> need<00:16:53.519> to<00:16:53.680> think<00:16:53.920> about<00:16:54.560> is<00:16:55.240> why<00:16:55.440> and<00:16:55.680> how<00:16:55.839> we we need to think about is why and how we we need to think about is why and how we numb<00:16:56.959> and<00:16:57.079> it<00:16:57.199> doesn't<00:16:57.519> just<00:16:57.720> have<00:16:57.800> to<00:16:57.920> be numb and it doesn't just have to be numb and it doesn't just have to be addiction addiction addiction the<00:17:00.680> other<00:17:00.880> thing<00:17:01.040> we<00:17:01.199> do<00:17:01.480> is<00:17:01.600> we<00:17:01.759> make the other thing we do is we make the other thing we do is we make everything<00:17:02.279> that's<00:17:02.480> uncertain everything that's uncertain everything that's uncertain certain<00:17:05.959> religion<00:17:06.959> has<00:17:07.120> gone<00:17:07.360> from<00:17:07.600> a<00:17:07.760> belief certain religion has gone from a belief certain religion has gone from a belief in<00:17:08.199> faith<00:17:08.400> and<00:17:08.559> mystery<00:17:09.160> to<00:17:09.640> certainty<00:17:10.640> I'm in faith and mystery to certainty I'm in faith and mystery to certainty I'm right<00:17:11.000> you're<00:17:11.240> wrong<00:17:11.640> shut right you're wrong shut right you're wrong shut up<00:17:14.360> that's up that's up that's it<00:17:16.720> just<00:17:17.480> certain<00:17:18.480> the<00:17:18.799> more<00:17:19.000> afraid<00:17:19.319> we<00:17:19.439> are it just certain the more afraid we are it just certain the more afraid we are the<00:17:19.720> more<00:17:19.880> vulnerable<00:17:20.319> we<00:17:20.439> are<00:17:20.880> the<00:17:21.000> more the more vulnerable we are the more the more vulnerable we are the more afraid<00:17:21.839> we<00:17:21.959> are<00:17:22.319> this<00:17:22.439> is<00:17:22.559> what<00:17:22.720> politics afraid we are this is what politics afraid we are this is what politics looks<00:17:23.439> like<00:17:23.600> today<00:17:24.319> there's<00:17:24.520> no<00:17:24.720> discourse looks like today there's no discourse looks like today there's no discourse anymore<00:17:26.000> there's<00:17:26.199> no<00:17:26.880> conversation<00:17:27.880> there's anymore there's no conversation there's anymore there's no conversation there's just<00:17:28.319> blame<00:17:28.919> you<00:17:29.000> know<00:17:29.080> what<00:17:29.200> blame<00:17:29.440> you<00:17:29.520> know just blame you know what blame you know just blame you know what blame you know how<00:17:29.720> blame<00:17:29.960> is<00:17:30.080> described<00:17:30.400> in<00:17:30.480> the how blame is described in the how blame is described in the research<00:17:32.679> a<00:17:32.919> way<00:17:33.080> to<00:17:33.360> discharge<00:17:34.000> pain<00:17:34.280> and

discomfort<00:17:37.760> we<00:17:38.039> perfect<00:17:38.880> if<00:17:39.000> there's<00:17:39.240> anyone discomfort we perfect if there's anyone discomfort we perfect if there's anyone who<00:17:39.640> wants<00:17:39.840> their<00:17:40.000> life<00:17:40.160> to<00:17:40.320> look<00:17:40.559> like<00:17:40.799> this who wants their life to look like this who wants their life to look like this it<00:17:41.480> would<00:17:41.640> be<00:17:41.799> me<00:17:42.720> but<00:17:42.880> it<00:17:42.960> doesn't<00:17:43.280> work it would be me but it doesn't work it would be me but it doesn't work because<00:17:44.080> what<00:17:44.200> we<00:17:44.360> do<00:17:44.679> is<00:17:44.880> we<00:17:45.000> take<00:17:45.240> fat<00:17:45.440> from because what we do is we take fat from because what we do is we take fat from our<00:17:45.760> butts<00:17:46.000> and<00:17:46.120> put<00:17:46.240> it<00:17:46.320> in<00:17:46.440> our

cheeks<00:17:51.280> which<00:17:51.520> just<00:17:51.840> I<00:17:51.919> hope<00:17:52.080> in<00:17:52.200> a<00:17:52.320> 100<00:17:52.480> years cheeks which just I hope in a 100 years cheeks which just I hope in a 100 years people<00:17:52.919> will<00:17:53.039> look<00:17:53.200> back<00:17:53.320> and<00:17:53.480> go<00:17:53.919> wow<00:17:54.600> you people will look back and go wow you people will look back and go wow you know<00:17:56.280> um<00:17:57.280> and<00:17:57.840> we<00:17:58.080> perfect<00:17:58.600> most<00:17:58.840> most know um and we perfect most most know um and we perfect most most dangerously<00:17:59.480> our<00:17:59.799> children<00:18:00.440> let<00:18:00.559> me<00:18:00.720> tell<00:18:00.880> you dangerously our children let me tell you dangerously our children let me tell you what<00:18:01.159> we<00:18:01.280> think<00:18:01.480> about<00:18:01.799> children<00:18:02.640> they're what we think about children they're what we think about children they're hardwired<00:18:03.559> for<00:18:03.679> struggle<00:18:04.080> when<00:18:04.240> they<00:18:04.400> get hardwired for struggle when they get hardwired for struggle when they get here<00:18:05.600> when<00:18:05.760> you<00:18:06.039> hold<00:18:06.320> those<00:18:06.520> perfect<00:18:06.840> little here when you hold those perfect little here when you hold those perfect little babies<00:18:07.320> in<00:18:07.480> your<00:18:07.640> hand<00:18:08.280> our<00:18:08.520> job<00:18:08.720> is<00:18:08.880> not<00:18:09.039> to babies in your hand our job is not to babies in your hand our job is not to say<00:18:09.840> look<00:18:10.000> at<00:18:10.159> her<00:18:10.360> she's<00:18:10.760> perfect<00:18:11.440> my<00:18:11.600> job<00:18:11.799> is say look at her she's perfect my job is say look at her she's perfect my job is just<00:18:12.000> to<00:18:12.159> keep<00:18:12.320> her<00:18:12.520> perfect<00:18:12.919> make<00:18:13.039> sure<00:18:13.159> she just to keep her perfect make sure she just to keep her perfect make sure she makes<00:18:13.480> a<00:18:13.559> tennis<00:18:13.799> team<00:18:14.039> by<00:18:14.159> fifth<00:18:14.360> grade<00:18:14.559> and makes a tennis team by fifth grade and makes a tennis team by fifth grade and yell<00:18:14.960> by<00:18:15.120> seventh<00:18:15.919> grade<00:18:16.919> that's<00:18:17.039> not<00:18:17.200> our<00:18:17.440> job yell by seventh grade that's not our job yell by seventh grade that's not our job our<00:18:17.919> job<00:18:18.120> is<00:18:18.200> to<00:18:18.320> look<00:18:18.480> and<00:18:18.600> say<00:18:18.840> you<00:18:18.960> know<00:18:19.159> what our job is to look and say you know what our job is to look and say you know what you're<00:18:19.880> imperfect<00:18:20.520> and<00:18:20.640> you're<00:18:21.039> wired<00:18:21.440> for you're imperfect and you're wired for you're imperfect and you're wired for struggle<00:18:22.480> but<00:18:22.600> you<00:18:22.799> are<00:18:23.000> worthy<00:18:23.320> of<00:18:23.480> love<00:18:23.640> and struggle but you are worthy of love and struggle but you are worthy of love and belonging<00:18:25.640> that's<00:18:25.840> our<00:18:26.120> job<00:18:27.120> show<00:18:27.360> me<00:18:27.480> a belonging that's our job show me a belonging that's our job show me a generation<00:18:27.919> of<00:18:28.039> kids<00:18:28.280> raised<00:18:28.520> like<00:18:28.640> that<00:18:29.039> and generation of kids raised like that and generation of kids raised like that and we'll<00:18:29.280> end<00:18:29.520> the<00:18:29.720> problems<00:18:30.120> I<00:18:30.240> think<00:18:30.440> that<00:18:30.640> we we'll end the problems I think that we we'll end the problems I think that we see<00:18:31.120> today<00:18:32.120> we see today we see today we pretend<00:18:35.240> that<00:18:35.440> what<00:18:35.559> we<00:18:35.720> do<00:18:35.919> doesn't<00:18:36.159> have<00:18:36.280> an pretend that what we do doesn't have an pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect<00:18:36.760> on effect on effect on people<00:18:38.919> we<00:18:39.080> do<00:18:39.200> that<00:18:39.320> in<00:18:39.400> our<00:18:39.559> personal<00:18:40.000> lives people we do that in our personal lives people we do that in our personal lives we<00:18:40.400> do<00:18:40.559> that<00:18:41.000> corporate<00:18:41.640> whether<00:18:41.840> it's<00:18:41.960> a we do that corporate whether it's a we do that corporate whether it's a bailout<00:18:42.600> an<00:18:42.760> oil bailout an oil bailout an oil spill<00:18:45.440> a<00:18:45.640> recall<00:18:46.480> we<00:18:46.679> pretend<00:18:47.080> like<00:18:47.280> what spill a recall we pretend like what spill a recall we pretend like what we're<00:18:47.520> doing<00:18:47.799> doesn't<00:18:48.039> have<00:18:48.159> a<00:18:48.320> huge<00:18:48.640> impact we're doing doesn't have a huge impact we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on<00:18:49.159> other on other on other people<00:18:51.640> I<00:18:51.679> would<00:18:51.880> say<00:18:52.039> to<00:18:52.200> companies<00:18:52.640> this<00:18:52.760> is people I would say to companies this is people I would say to companies this is not<00:18:53.039> our<00:18:53.240> first<00:18:53.480> rodeo not our first rodeo not our first rodeo people<00:18:55.880> we<00:18:56.039> just<00:18:56.200> need<00:18:56.360> you<00:18:56.480> to<00:18:56.640> be<00:18:56.799> authentic people we just need you to be authentic people we just need you to be authentic and<00:18:57.320> real<00:18:57.720> and<00:18:57.919> say and real and say and real and say we're<00:19:00.240> sorry<00:19:01.240> we'll<00:19:01.480> fix

it<00:19:05.559> but<00:19:05.720> there's<00:19:05.960> another<00:19:06.280> way<00:19:06.480> and<00:19:06.600> I'll it but there's another way and I'll it but there's another way and I'll leave<00:19:07.000> you<00:19:07.159> with<00:19:07.400> this<00:19:08.400> this<00:19:08.520> is<00:19:08.640> what<00:19:08.799> I<00:19:08.919> have leave you with this this is what I have leave you with this this is what I have found<00:19:09.720> to<00:19:09.919> let<00:19:10.080> ourselves<00:19:10.520> be<00:19:11.120> seen<00:19:12.120> deeply found to let ourselves be seen deeply found to let ourselves be seen deeply seen<00:19:13.320> vulnerably seen vulnerably seen vulnerably seen<00:19:16.880> to<00:19:17.080> love<00:19:17.360> with<00:19:17.480> our<00:19:17.640> whole<00:19:17.960> hearts<00:19:18.960> even seen to love with our whole hearts even seen to love with our whole hearts even though<00:19:19.320> there's<00:19:19.559> no though there's no though there's no guarantee<00:19:21.360> and<00:19:21.520> that's<00:19:21.760> really<00:19:22.000> hard<00:19:22.200> and<00:19:22.320> I guarantee and that's really hard and I guarantee and that's really hard and I can<00:19:22.480> tell<00:19:22.600> you<00:19:22.760> as<00:19:22.880> a<00:19:23.000> parent<00:19:23.360> that's can tell you as a parent that's can tell you as a parent that's excruciatingly

difficult<00:19:28.400> to<00:19:28.760> practice<00:19:29.159> gratitude<00:19:29.559> and<00:19:29.960> joy difficult to practice gratitude and joy difficult to practice gratitude and joy in<00:19:31.159> those<00:19:31.320> moments<00:19:31.640> of<00:19:31.840> kind<00:19:31.960> of<00:19:32.120> Terror<00:19:32.760> when in those moments of kind of Terror when in those moments of kind of Terror when we're<00:19:33.360> wondering<00:19:34.360> can<00:19:34.520> I<00:19:34.679> love<00:19:34.840> you<00:19:35.039> this<00:19:35.200> much we're wondering can I love you this much we're wondering can I love you this much can<00:19:35.520> I<00:19:35.640> believe<00:19:35.840> in<00:19:36.000> this<00:19:36.120> as<00:19:36.360> passionately can I believe in this as passionately can I believe in this as passionately can<00:19:37.440> I<00:19:37.600> be<00:19:37.799> this<00:19:37.960> Fierce<00:19:38.320> about<00:19:38.640> this<00:19:39.240> just<00:19:39.360> to can I be this Fierce about this just to can I be this Fierce about this just to be<00:19:39.640> able<00:19:39.840> to<00:19:40.000> stop<00:19:40.240> and<00:19:40.440> instead<00:19:40.679> of be able to stop and instead of be able to stop and instead of catastrophizing<00:19:41.720> what<00:19:41.880> might<00:19:42.080> happen<00:19:42.360> to<00:19:42.520> say catastrophizing what might happen to say catastrophizing what might happen to say I'm<00:19:42.919> just<00:19:43.080> so I'm just so I'm just so grateful<00:19:44.880> because<00:19:45.080> to<00:19:45.200> feel<00:19:45.400> this<00:19:45.720> vulnerable grateful because to feel this vulnerable grateful because to feel this vulnerable means<00:19:46.400> I'm means I'm means I'm alive<00:19:48.840> and<00:19:48.960> the<00:19:49.159> last<00:19:49.440> which<00:19:49.600> I<00:19:49.679> think<00:19:49.840> is alive and the last which I think is alive and the last which I think is probably<00:19:50.280> the<00:19:50.400> most probably the most probably the most important<00:19:52.520> is<00:19:52.679> to<00:19:52.840> believe<00:19:53.080> that<00:19:53.200> we're important is to believe that we're important is to believe that we're enough<00:19:54.760> because<00:19:55.039> when<00:19:55.200> we<00:19:55.320> work<00:19:55.559> from<00:19:55.720> a<00:19:55.919> place enough because when we work from a place enough because when we work from a place I<00:19:56.559> believe<00:19:57.120> that<00:19:57.280> says<00:19:57.760> I'm<00:19:58.000> enough

then<00:20:01.480> we<00:20:01.799> stop<00:20:02.159> screaming<00:20:02.720> and<00:20:02.880> start then we stop screaming and start then we stop screaming and start listening<00:20:04.720> we're<00:20:05.000> Kinder<00:20:05.280> and<00:20:05.400> gentler<00:20:05.720> to listening we're Kinder and gentler to listening we're Kinder and gentler to the<00:20:05.919> people<00:20:06.120> around<00:20:06.360> us<00:20:06.480> and<00:20:06.600> we're<00:20:06.799> Kinder the people around us and we're Kinder the people around us and we're Kinder and<00:20:07.120> gentler<00:20:07.440> to and gentler to and gentler to ourselves<00:20:10.159> that's<00:20:10.320> all<00:20:10.480> I<00:20:10.679> have<00:20:11.480> thank<00:20:11.640> you ourselves that's all I have thank you ourselves that's all I have thank you [Music]

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